I really think I hate my job. I wish I could put my finger on what exactly I hate about it... mostly I think that it's because I panic every time I get to work, or go on my lunch break, or take a second to return a phone call, or sneeze.
I really used to enjoy what I did, and now I'm afraid to even speak about what I do for fear of any chance that my employer may read this.
No employee should be made to feel guilty over a doctor appointment (especially when you disclose health issues BEFORE they hire you). I've only been there for three months and I am exhausted. I have not asked for any time off, and am only requesting an hour for an appointment that my new insurance (from work) requires.
I really wish I knew what I was meant to do. Hey God... baseball bat of bluntness needed here STAT!
I enjoy aspects of my job... when I can develop relationships with my customers and help them get their financial lives back on track, it's extremely rewarding. I even enjoy the angry people because they always leave my office happier then when they entered. I may not sell something to everyone that walks through my door, but that's because I may not think they need something other than someone to listen!
I've never been the type to draw blood for blue ribbons. I am not a sales person, I am an adviser. If I think something is a good fit, I go for it, and if they say no, I may ask why, but I never push. My customers come back to me, time and time again. I value loyalty over sales points any day... I've found that if I take the time to develop the relationship, the points and commission come on their own. My business is an annuitized business, rushing it will NOT create anything positive.
I am tired of having The Sword of Damocles hanging over my head... only fitting that it is suspended by a single horse hair.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
USING ONLY ONE WORD!
Not as easy as you might think!
Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on.
It's really hard to only use one word answers.
1. Where is your cell phone? Earth
2. What is the last thing you ate? Zucchini
3. Your hair cut? tousled
4. Your mother? artist
5. Your father? engineer
6. Your favorite thing? freedom
7. Your dream last night? evil
8. Your favorite drink? Martini
9. Your dream/goal? success
10. What Room are you in? Living
11. Your hobby? Ponies
12. Your fear? marriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? graduated
14. Where were you last night? basement
15. Something that you aren't? mean-spirited
16. Breakfast? Zucchini
17. Wish list item? Health
18. Where you grew up? Bloomington
19. Last thing you did? fetch
20. What are you wearing? cami
21. Your TV? On
22. Your pets? eclectic
23. Friends? awesome
24. Your life? confusing
25. Your mood? reflective
26. Missing someone? always
27. Your car? vroom
28. Something you're not wearing? ring
29. Your favorite store? http://www.perpetualkid.com/world-wide-fred.aspx
30. Your favorite color? black
31. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? yesterday (from laughing)
33. Who will resend this? dunno
34. Four places that I go to over and over again? doctor, bar, church, California
35. Four people who email me regularly: Mom, Dad, Rita, Donna
36. Four places I would like to go? Africa, Australia, Italy, Caribbean
Not as easy as you might think!
Now copy or forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on.
It's really hard to only use one word answers.
1. Where is your cell phone? Earth
2. What is the last thing you ate? Zucchini
3. Your hair cut? tousled
4. Your mother? artist
5. Your father? engineer
6. Your favorite thing? freedom
7. Your dream last night? evil
8. Your favorite drink? Martini
9. Your dream/goal? success
10. What Room are you in? Living
11. Your hobby? Ponies
12. Your fear? marriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? graduated
14. Where were you last night? basement
15. Something that you aren't? mean-spirited
16. Breakfast? Zucchini
17. Wish list item? Health
18. Where you grew up? Bloomington
19. Last thing you did? fetch
20. What are you wearing? cami
21. Your TV? On
22. Your pets? eclectic
23. Friends? awesome
24. Your life? confusing
25. Your mood? reflective
26. Missing someone? always
27. Your car? vroom
28. Something you're not wearing? ring
29. Your favorite store? http://www.perpetualkid.com/world-wide-fred.aspx
30. Your favorite color? black
31. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? yesterday (from laughing)
33. Who will resend this? dunno
34. Four places that I go to over and over again? doctor, bar, church, California
35. Four people who email me regularly: Mom, Dad, Rita, Donna
36. Four places I would like to go? Africa, Australia, Italy, Caribbean
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Hospital Again...
I'm in Monroe Hospital down in Bloomington again... I can get on FB through a proxy server but I cant post anything in response to anyone... read only.
I've been fighting off a respiratory infection off and on since November which would not be that big of a deal except for the fact that I take immune inhibitors to keep my Crohn's disease in check... so when I started coughing and could not stop we decided to get me in and on i.v. antibiotics and breathing treatments.
I had a C.T. last night and they actually found a septated bullae (sp?) in my upper left lobe (like a blister on your lungs).... still waiting to hear more details as to what the heck that means.
Hopefully this will be something easily treated and I can get out of here soon!
::HuGs::
~K
I've been fighting off a respiratory infection off and on since November which would not be that big of a deal except for the fact that I take immune inhibitors to keep my Crohn's disease in check... so when I started coughing and could not stop we decided to get me in and on i.v. antibiotics and breathing treatments.
I had a C.T. last night and they actually found a septated bullae (sp?) in my upper left lobe (like a blister on your lungs).... still waiting to hear more details as to what the heck that means.
Hopefully this will be something easily treated and I can get out of here soon!
::HuGs::
~K
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Happiness... dangit.
I have long been aware that my writing is always deeper and more thought provoking when I am upset... in fact... my best writing has come from the darkest times in my life.
Back nearly a year ago I came up with an idea for a book. I've continued to develop the idea, solely from the simple phrase, "misery loves company".
Those of you that know me well know that I have been an avid reader for many years. In fact, it's a rare moment that finds me without a book or two going at the same time.
The problem I'm facing is that I'm happy... or at least content. The idea I have is a good one, but mainly centers on some very dark times for me... so I have two choices. A.) Forget the book idea and continue to search for something to do that will give my life direction and purpose... or... B.) I can choose to remember all those hard times and pull from those memories and emotions that I have worked very hard to get through or bury.
I really think that this book could help some people not feel so alone... a dangerous emotion. Key word being help...
I wrote a lot during those times so returning to those memories would not be a hard task... just a dangerous one. I am not quite sure I want to put myself and those closest to me through that... and I'm not sure I can write the book without those emotions... so the real challenge is in finding balance. Balance between past and present, happy vs. sad, and sanity vs. insanity.
I feel the need to create and think I would be a fool to ignore this opportunity even if nothing comes from it... even if the only thing I glean from it is proving to myself that I can indeed be something more than a blogger, a glorified keeper of journals.
Back nearly a year ago I came up with an idea for a book. I've continued to develop the idea, solely from the simple phrase, "misery loves company".
Those of you that know me well know that I have been an avid reader for many years. In fact, it's a rare moment that finds me without a book or two going at the same time.
The problem I'm facing is that I'm happy... or at least content. The idea I have is a good one, but mainly centers on some very dark times for me... so I have two choices. A.) Forget the book idea and continue to search for something to do that will give my life direction and purpose... or... B.) I can choose to remember all those hard times and pull from those memories and emotions that I have worked very hard to get through or bury.
I really think that this book could help some people not feel so alone... a dangerous emotion. Key word being help...
I wrote a lot during those times so returning to those memories would not be a hard task... just a dangerous one. I am not quite sure I want to put myself and those closest to me through that... and I'm not sure I can write the book without those emotions... so the real challenge is in finding balance. Balance between past and present, happy vs. sad, and sanity vs. insanity.
I feel the need to create and think I would be a fool to ignore this opportunity even if nothing comes from it... even if the only thing I glean from it is proving to myself that I can indeed be something more than a blogger, a glorified keeper of journals.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Blog Dedicated to me by a new friend in Christ
This is his blog... I highly recommend it for those still walking, crawling, standing, drowning and fighting on the path to Christ.
http://www.emmanuelsocratesquansah.com/
Monday, May 18, 2009
WALK BY FAITH... BUT LIVE IN LOVE
I dedicate this piece to Kristen Passanisi as a token of appreciation for joining my blog. This is a practice I intend to continue for all who join.
Walking is entirely different from living. Walking is doing something, whereas living is being something. Walking causes you to make progress but living causes you to maintain the progresses made. However, doing and being go hand in hand.
A lot of us have faith…supposedly in God. We believe in God for things. Infact, the Christian life cannot be lived without faith (Hebrews 11: 6), just as you cannot live without walking. But you must be alive first! Paul said ‘Faith works by love’ (Galatians 5: 6). This is a statement that the Holy Spirit has recently shed light on.
The conscious of the love of God is the greatest thing that can happen to a person, because God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son to us (John 3: 16). God’s disposition is that of love (Jeremiah 9: 24). His desire is that we know that He sent Jesus, not because of anything but because He loved us. I am quite sure every father or mother, especially mothers, would be surprised to hear their children ask ‘mummy do you love me?’ The best thing you would want you child to believe is that you love him or her. All that your parents do for you is the expression of their love. When they are not able to do something for you, they still want you to know they love you.
Faith works by love because when I know God loves me I can dare ask him anything. If I know my friend loves me, I don’t mind calling him at 2am because he or she would still answer the call. The only people you call at odd hours are people whom you know have your back and love you. John put it right by saying ‘perfect love casts out fear’ (1 John 4: 18). When you come to know God loves you, you can tell Him anything!! He becomes your God-friend!! You can confess every ugly sin to Him, you can freely live for Him, be yourself in His presence, be bold to stand for Him. Only one of the twelve apostles got this revelation of the love of God and called himself ‘the one whom Jesus loved’ (John 21: 7, 20). John knew that God loved him. As such he was the only apostle who could dare put his head on the bosom of Jesus, without the fear of rejection (John 21: 20). This is the desire of every father. God wants us to come so close to Him. So close that we can lay our head, our very thoughts, decisions, on His heart. Can you believe that God loves you that way? When this is in place, then faith takes over. This is why faith works by love!!
David describes this perfectly with the word 'loving-kindness.' This word is used more in the Psalms than any portion of the Bible. He hoped and believed in the love of God to be kind to him. He said ‘how excellent is your loving-kindness, O God; therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of your wings. (Psalm 36: 7). He always wanted to meet with God early in the morning because His loving-kindness was better than life (Psalm 63: 1, 3). He realized that God is faithful to him because of His lovingkidness (Psalm 89: 33).
To conclude, John said ‘Behold, what manner of love that we should be called the children of God’ (1 John 3:1). ‘Behold’ means ‘to see’ or ‘to be aware’. John was saying, ‘SEE OR BE AWARE OF THIS MANNER OF LOVE’. Anyone who calls on this manner of love will always get a response. Do you really believe God loves you? If you have life, you can walk…it is not the other way round…if you live in the love of God, you can have the faith of God. Grace be with you!!
http://www.emmanuelsocratesquansah.com/
Monday, May 18, 2009
WALK BY FAITH... BUT LIVE IN LOVE
I dedicate this piece to Kristen Passanisi as a token of appreciation for joining my blog. This is a practice I intend to continue for all who join.
Walking is entirely different from living. Walking is doing something, whereas living is being something. Walking causes you to make progress but living causes you to maintain the progresses made. However, doing and being go hand in hand.
A lot of us have faith…supposedly in God. We believe in God for things. Infact, the Christian life cannot be lived without faith (Hebrews 11: 6), just as you cannot live without walking. But you must be alive first! Paul said ‘Faith works by love’ (Galatians 5: 6). This is a statement that the Holy Spirit has recently shed light on.
The conscious of the love of God is the greatest thing that can happen to a person, because God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son to us (John 3: 16). God’s disposition is that of love (Jeremiah 9: 24). His desire is that we know that He sent Jesus, not because of anything but because He loved us. I am quite sure every father or mother, especially mothers, would be surprised to hear their children ask ‘mummy do you love me?’ The best thing you would want you child to believe is that you love him or her. All that your parents do for you is the expression of their love. When they are not able to do something for you, they still want you to know they love you.
Faith works by love because when I know God loves me I can dare ask him anything. If I know my friend loves me, I don’t mind calling him at 2am because he or she would still answer the call. The only people you call at odd hours are people whom you know have your back and love you. John put it right by saying ‘perfect love casts out fear’ (1 John 4: 18). When you come to know God loves you, you can tell Him anything!! He becomes your God-friend!! You can confess every ugly sin to Him, you can freely live for Him, be yourself in His presence, be bold to stand for Him. Only one of the twelve apostles got this revelation of the love of God and called himself ‘the one whom Jesus loved’ (John 21: 7, 20). John knew that God loved him. As such he was the only apostle who could dare put his head on the bosom of Jesus, without the fear of rejection (John 21: 20). This is the desire of every father. God wants us to come so close to Him. So close that we can lay our head, our very thoughts, decisions, on His heart. Can you believe that God loves you that way? When this is in place, then faith takes over. This is why faith works by love!!
David describes this perfectly with the word 'loving-kindness.' This word is used more in the Psalms than any portion of the Bible. He hoped and believed in the love of God to be kind to him. He said ‘how excellent is your loving-kindness, O God; therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of your wings. (Psalm 36: 7). He always wanted to meet with God early in the morning because His loving-kindness was better than life (Psalm 63: 1, 3). He realized that God is faithful to him because of His lovingkidness (Psalm 89: 33).
To conclude, John said ‘Behold, what manner of love that we should be called the children of God’ (1 John 3:1). ‘Behold’ means ‘to see’ or ‘to be aware’. John was saying, ‘SEE OR BE AWARE OF THIS MANNER OF LOVE’. Anyone who calls on this manner of love will always get a response. Do you really believe God loves you? If you have life, you can walk…it is not the other way round…if you live in the love of God, you can have the faith of God. Grace be with you!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Find me, forgive me, catch me, and keep me...
I'm not a princess, and my life is not a fairytale, I never really had a chance, no happy endings, no white horses (they dont exist, only grays).
I've been on my knees, begging for mercy, for forgiveness from my maker, not knowing if anyone was hearing me.
Now I just want peace... there is no longer a question of weather I am broken, you can see it in my eyes. I am already broken, and frantically pleading with God to put me back together again. I can not do it on my own.
A friend and brother in Christ shook me to my core last night. He said what was likely the only thing anyone could have said to me to break through my hardened heart... he said that he missed me... that from all of his painful years, that I was always there for him and sticking up for him, the only one that was... So after a 5 year absence in my life, he simply picked up, came to my house and made a pact with me to hold me accountable and that I would do the same thing to him... We will each sharpen ourselves against the other.
I hope he means it, because if he fails me in this, and I fail myself again, then I will be worse off than I have been... and I dont know how much farther I can fall and still be able to survive the impact.
Please pray for me...
I am walking into church tomorrow for the first time in a while without my parents... and praying that God will find me, forgive me, catch me, and keep me.
I've been on my knees, begging for mercy, for forgiveness from my maker, not knowing if anyone was hearing me.
Now I just want peace... there is no longer a question of weather I am broken, you can see it in my eyes. I am already broken, and frantically pleading with God to put me back together again. I can not do it on my own.
A friend and brother in Christ shook me to my core last night. He said what was likely the only thing anyone could have said to me to break through my hardened heart... he said that he missed me... that from all of his painful years, that I was always there for him and sticking up for him, the only one that was... So after a 5 year absence in my life, he simply picked up, came to my house and made a pact with me to hold me accountable and that I would do the same thing to him... We will each sharpen ourselves against the other.
I hope he means it, because if he fails me in this, and I fail myself again, then I will be worse off than I have been... and I dont know how much farther I can fall and still be able to survive the impact.
Please pray for me...
I am walking into church tomorrow for the first time in a while without my parents... and praying that God will find me, forgive me, catch me, and keep me.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
On Love...
Why is it that all the great love stories end in death or tragedy?
Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Guenevere and Lancelot... all wonderful and passionate lovers... all with tragic endings.
Is is that love, like life must have an ending or is it our ideals of love that passionate are not attractive to us when a couple is old and gray?
Is true love too much to ask for these days?
I'm not sure anymore.
I have always believed in love, the wonderful healing powers, the racing of hearts, those shared glances and those sparkles in the eyes.
Is it too much to ask that love stay?
Why would God create women to love and men to love fleetingly? And why must love lead our hearts astray?
I don't know.
Maybe it is our society. Raising children in divorced homes, abusive husbands, or drug addicted alcoholic wives is not helping to create adults with a healthy understanding of love.
I know that in my last relationship I did nothing wrong, but why do I feel as though I did?
I can blame my body, or the drugs, or maybe he was just too young... but when I think of love, it's the kind that lasts.
I want the love talked about in the quotes below:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."
-- W. Shakespeare
"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words."
-- W. Shakespeare
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~
I'd like to run away
From you,
But if you didn't come
And find me ...
I would die.
~ by Shirley Bassey ~
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
~ From "Unforgettable with Love" by Natalie Cole
Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
~ by Percy Bysshe Shelly ~
Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~
I want to be enough.
Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever you want, but I know my heart breaks daily, but I also know that I was built to love someone, someday. I just wish they were here now.
Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Guenevere and Lancelot... all wonderful and passionate lovers... all with tragic endings.
Is is that love, like life must have an ending or is it our ideals of love that passionate are not attractive to us when a couple is old and gray?
Is true love too much to ask for these days?
I'm not sure anymore.
I have always believed in love, the wonderful healing powers, the racing of hearts, those shared glances and those sparkles in the eyes.
Is it too much to ask that love stay?
Why would God create women to love and men to love fleetingly? And why must love lead our hearts astray?
I don't know.
Maybe it is our society. Raising children in divorced homes, abusive husbands, or drug addicted alcoholic wives is not helping to create adults with a healthy understanding of love.
I know that in my last relationship I did nothing wrong, but why do I feel as though I did?
I can blame my body, or the drugs, or maybe he was just too young... but when I think of love, it's the kind that lasts.
I want the love talked about in the quotes below:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."
-- W. Shakespeare
"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words."
-- W. Shakespeare
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~
I'd like to run away
From you,
But if you didn't come
And find me ...
I would die.
~ by Shirley Bassey ~
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
~ From "Unforgettable with Love" by Natalie Cole
Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
~ by Percy Bysshe Shelly ~
Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~
I want to be enough.
Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever you want, but I know my heart breaks daily, but I also know that I was built to love someone, someday. I just wish they were here now.
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