Happiness... dangit.

I have long been aware that my writing is always deeper and more thought provoking when I am upset... in fact... my best writing has come from the darkest times in my life.

Back nearly a year ago I came up with an idea for a book. I've continued to develop the idea, solely from the simple phrase, "misery loves company".

Those of you that know me well know that I have been an avid reader for many years. In fact, it's a rare moment that finds me without a book or two going at the same time.

The problem I'm facing is that I'm happy... or at least content. The idea I have is a good one, but mainly centers on some very dark times for me... so I have two choices. A.) Forget the book idea and continue to search for something to do that will give my life direction and purpose... or... B.) I can choose to remember all those hard times and pull from those memories and emotions that I have worked very hard to get through or bury.

I really think that this book could help some people not feel so alone... a dangerous emotion. Key word being help...

I wrote a lot during those times so returning to those memories would not be a hard task... just a dangerous one. I am not quite sure I want to put myself and those closest to me through that... and I'm not sure I can write the book without those emotions... so the real challenge is in finding balance. Balance between past and present, happy vs. sad, and sanity vs. insanity.

I feel the need to create and think I would be a fool to ignore this opportunity even if nothing comes from it... even if the only thing I glean from it is proving to myself that I can indeed be something more than a blogger, a glorified keeper of journals.

A Blog Dedicated to me by a new friend in Christ

This is his blog... I highly recommend it for those still walking, crawling, standing, drowning and fighting on the path to Christ.
http://www.emmanuelsocratesquansah.com/

Monday, May 18, 2009
WALK BY FAITH... BUT LIVE IN LOVE

I dedicate this piece to Kristen Passanisi as a token of appreciation for joining my blog. This is a practice I intend to continue for all who join.

Walking is entirely different from living. Walking is doing something, whereas living is being something. Walking causes you to make progress but living causes you to maintain the progresses made. However, doing and being go hand in hand.
A lot of us have faith…supposedly in God. We believe in God for things. Infact, the Christian life cannot be lived without faith (Hebrews 11: 6), just as you cannot live without walking. But you must be alive first! Paul said ‘Faith works by love’ (Galatians 5: 6). This is a statement that the Holy Spirit has recently shed light on.
The conscious of the love of God is the greatest thing that can happen to a person, because God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son to us (John 3: 16). God’s disposition is that of love (Jeremiah 9: 24). His desire is that we know that He sent Jesus, not because of anything but because He loved us. I am quite sure every father or mother, especially mothers, would be surprised to hear their children ask ‘mummy do you love me?’ The best thing you would want you child to believe is that you love him or her. All that your parents do for you is the expression of their love. When they are not able to do something for you, they still want you to know they love you.
Faith works by love because when I know God loves me I can dare ask him anything. If I know my friend loves me, I don’t mind calling him at 2am because he or she would still answer the call. The only people you call at odd hours are people whom you know have your back and love you. John put it right by saying ‘perfect love casts out fear’ (1 John 4: 18). When you come to know God loves you, you can tell Him anything!! He becomes your God-friend!! You can confess every ugly sin to Him, you can freely live for Him, be yourself in His presence, be bold to stand for Him. Only one of the twelve apostles got this revelation of the love of God and called himself ‘the one whom Jesus loved’ (John 21: 7, 20). John knew that God loved him. As such he was the only apostle who could dare put his head on the bosom of Jesus, without the fear of rejection (John 21: 20). This is the desire of every father. God wants us to come so close to Him. So close that we can lay our head, our very thoughts, decisions, on His heart. Can you believe that God loves you that way? When this is in place, then faith takes over. This is why faith works by love!!
David describes this perfectly with the word 'loving-kindness.' This word is used more in the Psalms than any portion of the Bible. He hoped and believed in the love of God to be kind to him. He said ‘how excellent is your loving-kindness, O God; therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of your wings. (Psalm 36: 7). He always wanted to meet with God early in the morning because His loving-kindness was better than life (Psalm 63: 1, 3). He realized that God is faithful to him because of His lovingkidness (Psalm 89: 33).
To conclude, John said ‘Behold, what manner of love that we should be called the children of God’ (1 John 3:1). ‘Behold’ means ‘to see’ or ‘to be aware’. John was saying, ‘SEE OR BE AWARE OF THIS MANNER OF LOVE’. Anyone who calls on this manner of love will always get a response. Do you really believe God loves you? If you have life, you can walk…it is not the other way round…if you live in the love of God, you can have the faith of God. Grace be with you!!

Find me, forgive me, catch me, and keep me...

I'm not a princess, and my life is not a fairytale, I never really had a chance, no happy endings, no white horses (they dont exist, only grays).

I've been on my knees, begging for mercy, for forgiveness from my maker, not knowing if anyone was hearing me.

Now I just want peace... there is no longer a question of weather I am broken, you can see it in my eyes. I am already broken, and frantically pleading with God to put me back together again. I can not do it on my own.

A friend and brother in Christ shook me to my core last night. He said what was likely the only thing anyone could have said to me to break through my hardened heart... he said that he missed me... that from all of his painful years, that I was always there for him and sticking up for him, the only one that was... So after a 5 year absence in my life, he simply picked up, came to my house and made a pact with me to hold me accountable and that I would do the same thing to him... We will each sharpen ourselves against the other.
I hope he means it, because if he fails me in this, and I fail myself again, then I will be worse off than I have been... and I dont know how much farther I can fall and still be able to survive the impact.

Please pray for me...
I am walking into church tomorrow for the first time in a while without my parents... and praying that God will find me, forgive me, catch me, and keep me.

On Love...

Why is it that all the great love stories end in death or tragedy?

Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Guenevere and Lancelot... all wonderful and passionate lovers... all with tragic endings.

Is is that love, like life must have an ending or is it our ideals of love that passionate are not attractive to us when a couple is old and gray?

Is true love too much to ask for these days?

I'm not sure anymore.

I have always believed in love, the wonderful healing powers, the racing of hearts, those shared glances and those sparkles in the eyes.

Is it too much to ask that love stay?

Why would God create women to love and men to love fleetingly? And why must love lead our hearts astray?

I don't know.

Maybe it is our society. Raising children in divorced homes, abusive husbands, or drug addicted alcoholic wives is not helping to create adults with a healthy understanding of love.

I know that in my last relationship I did nothing wrong, but why do I feel as though I did?

I can blame my body, or the drugs, or maybe he was just too young... but when I think of love, it's the kind that lasts.

I want the love talked about in the quotes below:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7


"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."
-- W. Shakespeare

"As soon go kindle fire with snow, as seek to quench the fire of love with words."
-- W. Shakespeare

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~

I'd like to run away
From you,
But if you didn't come
And find me ...
I would die.
~ by Shirley Bassey ~

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
~ From "Unforgettable with Love" by Natalie Cole

Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
~ by Percy Bysshe Shelly ~


Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ by G. Moore ~

I want to be enough.

Call me a hopeless romantic, call me whatever you want, but I know my heart breaks daily, but I also know that I was built to love someone, someday. I just wish they were here now.

Good Friday

East Coker IV and V by T. S. Eliot

IV.

The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer's art
Resolving the enigma of the fever chart.

Our only health is the disease
If we obey the dying nurse
Whose constant care is not to please
But to remind of our, and Adam's curse,
And that, to be restored, our sickness must grow worse.

The whole earth is our hospital
Endowed by the ruined millionaire,
Wherein, if we do well, we shall
Die of the absolute paternal care
That will not leave us, but prevents us everywhere.

The chill ascends from feet to knees,
The fever sings in mental wires.
If to be warmed, then I must freeze
And quake in frigid purgatorial fires
Of which the flame is roses, and the smoke is briars.

The dripping blood our only drink,
The bloody flesh our only food:
In spite of which we like to think
That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood—
Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.

I'm a huge twilight fan, I guess the books appeal to the dark side of me, and I can relate to Bella and her feelings of insanity.

I was browsing today and found some fan made New Moon trailers, this is above and beyond the best, thought I'd share.
I will actually write something of substance later today. I had a conversation with a close friend this morning that inspired some writing... but for now...enjoy...

Weird fun thing I was entertained with...

OK, here’s how you play.
Go to www.photobucket.com and type in your answer to the questions in the “Search” box. Pick a picture from the first page, then paste the HTML code for the answer.
1.) What is your name?

2.) What is your favorite show?

3.) What is your favorite color?

4.) How are you feeling today?


5.) Who is your best friend?

6.) Who is the last person you kissed?

7.) What is your favorite drink?

8.) One of your hobbies?

9.) What is your biggest fear?


10.) Wish list item?

11.) Where is your favorite place to be?

12.) What are you looking forward to?

13.) What is your favorite thing to wear?

14.) The last thing to make you cry?

15.) Are you single/crushing/taken?

16.) How do you feel about that?

17.) Closest Red object?

18.) Where is your favorite place to eat?

19.) What is something you’re not?

20.) What superpower would you want to have?

Breaking me into something Beautiful

I have decided that there are only two things that I can think of in this world that look and feel better once they've been broken...

Geodes... and my soul.

I like breaking stuff... especially when it makes pretty stuff happen. Ever since I was seven years old I have gone marauding into the woods behind my parents house in search of the ugly bumpy boulders that when broken (with a hammer or by means of just throwing them over and over again) reveal their true inner beauty.
A combination of chemicals and pressure turn the insides of these otherwise ugly stones into a beautiful crystallized landscape. Sometimes you find purple ones, yellow ones or pure white ones, more often than not you find dead ones that reveal a sickly brown murky inside. I had a revelation today that God does quite the same with people, allowing us to experience immense pressure and stress in order to turn us into something beautiful.

I imagine that God is doing that to me right now. He is allowing me to experience some of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in life in order to turn my heart and soul into beautiful treasures to glorify Him.

That, despite my other agendas is my ONLY true purpose on this earth. I am here to glorify God.

2009 Bloggs

Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Standing Still.

I’m not even sure I know what I’m supposed to feel anymore… My shrink tells me that in the entire history of his practice he has never seen anyone with as many stressors as I have had in the last six months. I’ve had a loss of a family member, loss of a relationship, loss of a home, loss of a job, and of course I have a loss of health…

I’m just not sure just how much I can endure anymore. I am capable of making myself numb, which I believe has been a necessity for my survival… I don’t cry at home anymore although if you make me talk about anything personal I will refuse. I just cant stand to see my parents hurting again and again over the fact that they have a physically and emotionally mangled daughter.

I’m tired of having to explain how I would do things if I were capable of them.

I am a human paperweight… a waste of oxygen. At least diseases like cancer are in most cases terminal, so that at least the dying have an idea of an end… I just have a disease that will not go into remission, will not be cured and is not kind enough to kill me… it just wants to keep me up at night and in chronic pain for years… I get all the suffering without the release… ever.

My passion for years has always been horses. It has been one of the few outlets for my stress or emotional pain… one simple exchange with a doctor today has taken all that away from me… I simply stated that I was a horseback rider and that I hadn’t been on one for a year. He just looked up at me and said, “And you will never be on one again”.

In one sentence, delivered coldly and bluntly I was told that I will never again do the one thing that I have always felt is what I was put on this green earth for… I feel without purpose or hope.

I don’t know how many times one person can hit bottom.

I thought I had hit it back in November, but apparently I was wrong.

And to top it off … I have a psycho ex writing just lovely blogs about me… ya, he stole my car and all my jewelry and apparently I’m the bad one for not carrying a torch for someone I dumped about 7 or eight years ago… with good reason… he was just as crazy then as he appears to be now.

Always nice when someone tells you that they hope you die and that this disease is Karma kicking my butt… I snapped a little and just told him that at least people would actually come to my funeral and remember me when it was over. Not a pretty side of me and I’m disappointed in myself for having sunk so low to communicate on his level… but I have so much anger bottled up these days that when it gets a chance to come out, it comes with a vengeance.

I wish I knew what God wants from me, weather this is an attention getter or just a run of bad luck, I’m not sure. I just keep asking Him to be blunt with me… I need a path in front of me no matter how narrow or rocky, I don’t care, but anything is better than standing still… I guess that sums up all of how I am feeling… my whole life is standing still…

4-4-2009

What I wanted... want.

I discovered a diary a few days ago that I kept when I was in high school. It was a collection of letters that I had written, mainly for the purpose of giving the book to my future husband on our wedding night.

Not everything works out as we plan it to. My first marriage as many of you know was less than what I had planned and I never ended up giving the long forgotten diary to my ex.

The Letters were about what I wanted out of the man I hope to find the ultimate bond with, the one I spend the rest of my life with... the "One" so to speak. I wanted him to be kind, compassionate, devoted, creative, and loving. He was to be a man of God, someone I could look up to and respect and depend on any time of the day or night. I wanted him to be a provider and a protector and have passion for live and everything in it, but most of all I wanted him to have a passion for me, and only me.

I was so nieve back then... but then again most 12-16 year olds are. I still feel nieve about men and relationships.

I have been blessed to be loved by a few men in my life. I miss two of them, several of them I do not... but reading through those letters made me realize just how much I have sacrificed in my search for the perfect man for me. The younger, less mature version of me may have had the idea of my perfect prince charming, but the jaded 28 year old me has for a time "settled" for quite a bit less than a prince.

I want to change that about myself. I want to give myself rules and stick to them. I too often sacrifice what I want out of a guy for the privilidge of simply having one. I do not traditionally do single well. I use the time to hide and in some cases lick my wounds when I've been dumped or go out and live up life (at times a bit too much) when I'm the one on the other side of that coin. I guess I need to find a balance.

Tony broke me in November of last year... I've spent my fair share of time grieving about him, missing him, and trying to be angry at him, but really I cant blame him and dont hate him either. I do still miss him, but I think I'm past that point of being willing to go back there even if I could.

I want to become convicted about what I want in a man, and if he lacks some of those prerequisites then dating or continuing a relationship with him can simply not be an option. I know what makes me happy... and I know also what makes me unhappy in a man. I'm not going to give up. I know that the man for me is out there, he just has not found me yet.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Tony

I'm not sure if I am capable of writing any more. These last seven months are the lost painful I have ever endured on a physical level, but I was kept afloat by Tony. Always at my side Tony, the ever promising to never leave Tony, the promising eternal love Tony. Now he's just the absent Tony, the Tony that made me snap Tony. The liar Tony, the hurtful Tony. The Tony I'm incapable of forgetting Tony, the Tony I can’t even get mad at yet Tony, the I can’t blame him for not wanting me Tony. The Tony I miss, the Tony that’s gone Tony... the Tony that has made me cry for the last 42 days Tony. The Tony that's killing me, Tony.

1-12-09

I was dealing with everything when he was still here, the crohns, the chronic pancreatitis, the diabetes, the Rheumatoid Arthritis, it was all something I could deal with because he was there to hold my hand. For a year and a half I experienced the joy of taking out the man for a test drive. We merged our lives. It took him over five months to completely move in and only one evening to move out completely.

2008 Blogg

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
more downers Current mood: depressed
I am in despair. No fuzzy lining, no candy coating, no way for me to make this sound better or easier to take. I have not been talking, writing, or blogging lately because I am tired of talking about my pain, but let’s be candid. The facts are these:- I Have Crohns Disease- I also have Epstein Bar- and now for the final kick in the nuts I have Rhumatory Arthritis Those are just the big things. Forget the anemia, the hypoglycemia, the fibermialga. I have three, maybe four auto immune diseases all completely incurable, all obscure enough for the pharmaceutical companies to deem them unprofitable to study for the chance of a cure. I can’t work, can’t drive, can’t remember conversations I had an hour ago. At 27 years old I feel 80.I keep having fears of my boyfriend leaving, he hasn't left yet, but who could blame him? I'm a sobbing, drugged up mess… and he insists upon staying and loving me and putting up with my outbursts and changing my pain patches when I run out of places I can reach. He even helps take my blood sugar and races to get me something to bring it back up as I'm always low. And then… bless him… he looks at me and quietly says that I will be ok…and for a few minutes I believe him.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Semi-Lucidity Current mood: distraught
After 27 days in the hospital and three procedures ( one being a process to place a stint into my pancreas and to sever my bile ducts) later I have emerged. I'm still really fuzzy and hopped up on pain meds, but my central line is out and I am eating some meals on my own with the aid of insulin injections. I want nothing more than to resume normal life, and I'm beginning to realize that Crohns can be a cruel disease that will keep me from feeling normal for quite some time.
I'm sorry that I didn’t want people to come to the hospital this time. The majority of the time I was in so much pain I didn’t feel like seeing anyone.
Moonface (the process by which high dose steroids make your face swell and round out) has also made me self conscious and highly depressed. I'm hoping that as they lower my doses weekly that my face will go down and I will soon see myself again when I look into a mirror.
Tony has been amazing, he still loves me and stands by my side through all of this... if anything this experience has made me see just what kind of man he is, and just how lucky I am to have him in my life.
Words of encouragement are appreciated, I am going through a dark time in my life. Chronic pain is unbelievable to live with and I'm hoping for some cure that will leave me neither loopy or addicted to some narcotic.

Monday, August 18, 2008
Update Current mood: confused
Here is the update, I'm being transferred to the IU Med Center today as soon as they have a bed for me. I am back on a central line again and am being sent there basically to meet with a Crohns specialist. The likelihood of surgery is very high and the decision will be made quickly. Please e-mail my mom, Joanne joeypass@bluemarble.net or my dad, John jpassan@bluemarble.net, if you need to get updates. I am loosing lucidity daily and may loose the ability to communicate clearly for several days. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. Thanks, Kristen

Friday, August 08, 2008
LONGEST FEMALE SURVEY EVER
I'm bored, forgive me for the survey...LONGEST FEMALE SURVEY EVER-Don't be shy, fill it all out-Do you sleep in your bra? Sometimes I forget I have it on and wake up on the couch to the horror that is falling asleep in ones under wire. Do you enjoy drama? No... never, nunca, niet, nope, uh-uh, ::shakes head no:: Get my point? Are you a girly girl? Certainly not. Small or big purses? No preference as long as they're cute and functional. Do you dress up on Halloween? I try! I love Halloween! Are you double jointed? yes Where is the weirdest place you have slept? Either the barn at the Indiana state fair or at one of my old jobs, sitting up and driving a horse drawn carriage. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt? yes , does anyone answer no to this? Not if you're in my group of friends =)Last person you hung out with? My Mommy. Do you call anybody by their last name? Um, yes actually... and it took me a long time to find out that it wasn't his first name. How many guys will read this just because it says Lady Survey? Dunno... how many of my guy friends need to waste time? I can actually think of a few =)Do you wear makeup? Sometimes, but Tony is one of those guys that likes me better without it so not often. Ever cried at a movie theater? Yes, most recently P.S. I love You. Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth? I do not think that is humanly possible. Do you think Ryan Sheckler is cute? No Idea who that is...Have you ever been called a bad influence? Actually I don't think so... usually everyone is just a bad influence on me...THIS OR THAT Heels or flats? heels. Skirts or jeans? jeans. Socks or leggings? socks. Hoodies or jackets? hoodies. Straight or curly hair? Naturally curly, but thanks to the invention of the chi iron I can do both. Hoops or Dangling earrings? Dangles. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? Dark. Are you currently frustrated with a guy? No. Do you have a best friend that’s a guy? Several actually. Have you ever had your heart broken? yes Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? Not seriously... but I've always wanted to fix my broken nose bump. Do you like your life? Yes, but I would prefer it be lived outside of the hospital. Ever walked into the guy's bathroom? Um.. you may as well ask me if I've ever been to a rave... duh. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? Yes... although not so much jumped as I was pushed. Would you ever tell someone you love them if you didn’t? Yes... Have you ever slapped a man in the face? Yes to the bitch slap. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? yes Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind? yeah Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?Yes... or at least from a female stand point you will always see them that way and never completely trust them again regardless of how "changed" they are. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? Yes, sometimes I've been right and sometimes not so much. Do you ever wish that you were famous??Yes, for the mullah and the people I could help with it.IN A MAN: Cowboy or Gangster? Me like me some cowboys...Preppy or Punk/Goth? Who are we, Saved By The Bell here? Contacts or Glasses? Contacts... Oasis baby! Funny or Serious? both Romantic or Daredevil? both Cute or Hot? Both Good Dancer or Good Singer? Dancer! Basketball Player or Football Player? football. Go Colts! Smoker or Non-smoker? whatever as long as it's not around me... but I would prefer him to quit. Has a Motorcycle or Has a Sports Car? Muscle car! I like the oldies!

Friday, August 08, 2008
I Hate my digestive tract.
I'm back in the hospital again... Same reason as last time. We're keeping our fingers crossed for a medical fix as opposed to a surgical one. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Remicade II Current mood: encouraged
Had my second infusion of Remicade today and everything went well. Labs came back mostly good... for some reason I'm having trouble with my pancreas but we're keeping me monitored. It was weird today being in the infusion center with cancer children... it was so sad. I go back again on the 8th for my next treatment. I'm still home... going to be at least until the first of July, but I am improving, one day at a time. Thank you all for your continued support! Love you! K

Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Me, Myself, & Morphine
So apparently I don’t "do" oral morphine well... or the antibiotics I was on either. They put me back in the hospital Sunday night and let me back out last night... hopefully for the last time. I looked in a mirror for the first time last night in over two weeks and it was strange... my body has lost so much muscle and fat I barely know it to be my own... I'm so weak that I sleep most all day and lack much of a desire to do anything else. I think I spent most of the last year and a half since my diagnosis in denial, but talk about a reality check... no way of even remotely pretending I don’t have Crohn's... and that it's not serious. I have quit smoking for good (it increases the likelihood of surgery by 80% in Crohn's patients) and I can’t even be around it, so lifestyles changes are in order too... maybe Indy will catch up with everyone else on the no-smoking thing that I used to bitch about =).But anyways, that's what's going on for now... I appreciate all your good thoughts, wishes and prayers. Love you all, Kristen

Friday, May 30, 2008
Home Again Current mood: blessed
I am home today! I begged and pleaded and although I have to monitor my stats at home and take upwards of 14 pills a day it's still much better than rotting away in a hospital bed. I have my next infusion of Remicade scheduled in less than two weeks and so far the first one has made some major improvements... so here's to hoping. I will be off work at least until the 19th of June per doctors orders and then I have to get re-evaluated from there. So I am forcing myself to take it easy... (morphine, OC's, and sleeping pills make that simple)... but your e-mails and phone calls are still wonderful to get. Thanks again guys for everything! Love you, K

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Infusion One Current mood: hopeful
... is now complete. I am being watched like a hawk to see if anything changes. We should see drastic chance within 24-48 hours.... so here goes my final hope of having a normal body and normal function. My mother and Father, friends and Tony has been so wonderful to me. I send all of you hugs and kisses to those of you who cared enough for find rides out here, or even the time to pick up the phone and keep other people informed of me. It is truly at times like these that I can see clearly who loves me for me and is genuinely concerned for m well being, and those who wait among the dogs and gulls to peck at the carnage. So far, I feel no improvement, but they say it usually takes a couple days. But I'm a glass half full kind of girl anyways. -)Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers, my next infusion will be in two weeks. And for now I'm still being fed though my central line. (PICC)I need to be eating and drinking and swallowing a ton of pills before they will let me go home. I will keep you updated! Love, Kristen




Monday, May 26, 2008
Setbacks. Current mood: depressed
Today was not a good day. Today was my tenth day in the hospital, my tenth day without eating, and today I was informed that I'm going to be here for a while. I was going to start on Remicade today, but my labs came back so bad that it has been determined that the treatment is too much of a risk right now. My white blood cell count has more than tripled and even though I am being constantly infused with several different kinds of antibiotics we can simply not find the source of the infection. I am waiting on the results of today's cat scan to see if we can locate the source on film and then determine whether or not we need to go in and surgically remove it... and a chunk of my intestinal tract, or if we must continue to wait because my body is too weak to go into surgery. I am also now insulin dependent because the nutritional mix they are giving me is keeping my blood sugar high ( which is better than low) but they get so high that I start to feel crazy. Actually just being in here is making me feel crazy. I want to go home. Keep me in your thoughts a prayers... I'm having a tough time. Love you all, K

Saturday, May 24, 2008
everything u never wanted to know. Current mood: anxious
Here is a good link about Crohn's disease if you want to read up...http://www.ccfa.org/info/about/crohnsand here is the new drug I am trying on Monday...Infliximab (Remicade®) is the first FDA-approved biologic therapy for Crohn's disease and fistulizing Crohn's disease, as well as for ulcerative colitis. It is given as a drip via intravenous infusion. The medication is a chimeric monoclonal antibody. In other words, it's a hybrid consisting of 75 percent human, 25 percent mouse protein sequence. It is used for people with moderately-to-severely active disease who have not responded well to other therapies. So if I start having cravings for cheese we will know why...

Thursday, May 22, 2008
Picc Line Current mood: betrayed by my own body
So this is what I am getting today:
A peripherally inserted central catheter- (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time, e.g. for long chemotherapy regimens, extended antibiotic therapy or total parenteral nutrition. First described in 1975 it is an alternative to subclavian lines, internal jugular lines or femoral lines which have higher rates of infection. Subclavian and internal jugular line placements may result in pneumothorax (punctured lung).
A PICC is inserted in a peripheral vein, such as the cephalic vein, basilic vein, or brachial vein and then advanced through increasingly larger veins, toward the heart until the tip rests in the distal superior vena cava or cavo-atrial junction.
PICCs are usually inserted by radiologists, physician assistants, radiologist assistants, or certified registered nurses using ultrasound, chest radiographs and fluoroscopy to aid in their insertion and to confirm placement. Complications may include catheter occlusion, phlebitis, hemorrhage, thrombosis and infection. Urokinase may be used to lyse obstructions. PICC lines generally will remain in place no longer than 30 days, although duration of use varies from just a few days in patients requiring short courses of chemotherapy or biotherapy to a year for patients requiring longer treatment. Commonly, other forms of intravenous access are considered if the treatment course is protracted. While replacement is generally considered a year post-insertion, patients have survived with the same PICC in situ for several years without complication.
Certain types of PICCs have recently been approved by the FDA for use in power injection. These PICCs, often referred to as "POWER PICCs", are designed to withstand the high pressures associated with radio contrast studies.
Thanks Wiki...
I am scared to death... and alone. My mom is on her way up right now to get here before they start, but the thought of anything going into my heart is just terrifying to me.
If anything happens to me, know that I could not ask for better friends, I love you all.
Love,
Kristen


Monday, May 19, 2008
Update Current mood: drained
Crohns Disease sucks. I'm in the hospital being fed though an IV until my intestines decide to let me eat and drink again. Thanks so much to all of you for your support... I am truly blessed.... and thank you Josh for my mental ass kicking... you know what I mean =)Love, Kristen

Saturday, May 10, 2008
Stupid Girl Current mood: ashamed
After all these years spending copious amounts of time being manipulated, used, strung along, and controlled by men, you'd think I would learn... but no. I am a stupid girl. I am that kind of girl... I worry when he does not call during the day, and I fret (knowing... hoping I am doing stupid girl things) about him going out with characters of less than stellar quality and morals (yes, weather you actually had the threesome last weekend is irrelevant, because you're either the kind of guy who does those things or one who lies about them)... and do I mask it with concern that he come home safely.. yes.. at least when I am talking to him... but really I have flashes of his ole' buddy ole' pal bringing along my boy as a co-flirt. I know I should trust him... he has given me no reason not to ( other than the fact that he has a penis) ... and there is no reason for me to make him suffer for the mistakes of others, but I simply cannot let go... I worry... and I am a stupid girl. I also worry that with me being 27 and he being 22 that I am keeping him from the life that most 22 year olds desire. Sure... I like to go out, just not every weekend and you may see me tanked two-three times a year... but I know he would rather be doing it every weekend... and it makes me feel old. I love him... and that is what makes me scared... and stupid. He can hurt me... in huge ways, and I'm not sure I could come back from this one... I already came to him damaged... a fragile package indeed. Drop me and I will be a tough one to put back together.

Thursday, March 27, 2008
something I have learned.
a man that never claims to be something he is not is much better than a man who lies about who he is.

Saturday, February 23, 2008
questions Current mood: sad
How do you approach someone you know and love with something you know they will hate to hear? At what point to you decide to tell someone something so odious to everyone else? How do you tell someone "I love you, but I really don’t like you right now?" At what point to you tell someone that they really suck as a friend? And how the hell do you say these things in a loving manor? How do you tell them that they have hurt you? How do you explain that, yes you are upset that the flavor of the week took priority over your birthday? When is the right time to speak up and say "I don’t know the people you are talking about... nor do I care what they were wearing..."? When is the time to take them by the shoulders and shake them into some sort of conscious thought? How do you tell someone that they are alienating long term friends and only collecting temporary ones? Most importantly... how do you know when it's time to move on and stop trying?

2007 Blogg

Saturday, November 17, 2007
I love my people.
I was just reminded last night of just how much I love my friends. I am such a lucky girl to have people in my life that are real, honest and supportive... you guys pick me up when I'm down, force me out of my box (hell I'm not sure I even have a box anymore), and most importantly you remind me of where I'm going... not where I have been. I love you all and thank you for being the best friends I could imagine. Kudos to all of you.<3 Kristen

Tuesday, June 19, 2007
my 6 months... Current mood: nerdy
Disclaimer:
Kristen's dating ban guaranteed to be of a duration lasting, but not limited to six calendar months beginning from the date she filed for divorce Feb 15th 2007. Term not limited to the traditional 180 days, but based upon qualifications of said applicant and whether or not she feels like it.
Subsequent dates shall be defined as dinner, movie, or other approved activity not resulting in a regretful morning or any circumstance where she will be inclined to make an ass out of herself.
Void where prohibited...

Thursday, June 14, 2007
fairytale ending.
I am a hopeless romantic... who has a bad habit of running away from her happy endings.

I once told someone that I didn’t get the fairytale ending... when he was staring me in the face.

I was flighty and scared, but I know now what I want.

And I believe it is the very thing that I may not have, the thing I walked away from before... the thing I regret.

A bad response is better than none because at least then I will know my ending and can begin to write a new chapter... a new volume if need be.

I need bluntness.

Thursday, June 14, 2007
My List. Current mood: restless
My friend Josh has challenged me to make a list of things that make me happy... so here it goes…
1.) Taking a good gallop on a horse and going so fast the tears are blown out of the corners of my eyes.
2.) Trying new foods and attempting to recreate them in my kitchen.
3.) writing poetry in my head while swinging in my front yard.
4.) dancing until I forget all else but the music.
5.) playing in the rain
6.) spending an entire day in bed reading a good book
7.) going to the Children's Museum as a 26 yr old.
8.) reading my old journals that I wrote when I was 7.
9.) the noise the air conditioner makes as it turns on
10.) my blankie
11.) riding in my car in the rain with the sunroof and all the windows open.
12.) being impulsive...
13.) XXX dirty martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives
14.) flowers, getting them, sending them, or picking them myself.
15.) painting my toenails and being the only one who knows what color they are.
16.) squishing myself into my tiny bathtub and taking a nice long soak
17.) talking in the little voice
18.) trying to listen to everything as one collective noise
19.) the moment before sleep and wakefulness
20.) being able to continue a dream where you left off the night before
21.) the rope swing at lake Monroe
22.) slip n slides
23.) the moment when you know a picture is going to be great even before you've taken it
24.) cooking for other people
25.) sitting and doing nothing at all.
26.) kittens
27.) cereal for dinner
28.) drinking Guinness because I remember when I used to hate it
29.) climbing trees... even if you need a boost
30.) knowing that I am divorced

Sunday, May 27, 2007
Drunken Words... Current mood: thoughtful
...equal sober thoughts. I was reading through some of my journals today (the old fashioned kinds that require pen and paper) and discovered that often times in fits of drunkenness I tend to shed light on the things in my life that I sweep into the shadows. I unearthed pages and pages that I didn’t even remember writing... and was stunned at the pure honestly (and bluntness) of my writing.
I often have troubles expression my emotions. I simply state fact over and over to myself hoping for an honest reaction... waiting for things to sink in... and waiting and waiting and waiting. I can’t seem to break through the walls that I myself have erected.
I am not damaged... but I am wounded... and I think that given time to find myself I will eventually become a functioning member of the dating world yet again... just not any time soon.
I can still see beauty in my world... I can even appreciate it in others, but at the same time I know that to put myself into the dating pool before I am ready would be to put myself and others at risk. I have no space in my heart to care about anyone else and it would not be fair to let anyone think that they might have a chance. The one that is in my heart is a difficult one to evict.
On a lighter note... I stood outside in the rain today... for no apparent reason other than that it sounded like a good idea.. and it was. I stood and let myself get soaked like I used to as a child, catching droplets in my palms and letting them roll down and fall from my fingertips. It was lovely.

Friday, May 04, 2007
God Hates Me.
Ok... so I'm quietly eating my sushi on my regular Thursday night food and martini night with Erica and who walks in but the current girlfriend of my One... I had nightmares about rejection all night... Bad thing is that I still love him and we're going to be in a wedding together and I get to hang out with him and his girlfriend a whole weekend in June. Oh Joy.


I hope I come home with my heart intact... although at this point it is unlikely.

I really wish I didn’t care.

Anyone know about how to cut someone out of your heart?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Today was a beautiful day... Current mood: happy
Today was a beautiful day.
The sun was shining, there were blue skies and warm breezes and today I didn’t care about anything.
I did not care that a test I am taking tomorrow will determine my future employment.
I did not care that I drove away the only man I ever really loved.
I did not care about my impending divorce (not that I've been bothered by that at all... actually I've pretty much been celebrating).
I did not care about bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry, or litter boxes.
I did not care about anything at all.
I was simply happy to enjoy the beautiful day... and everything in it.
I enjoyed the guy on the corner selling stuffed animals.
I enjoyed the homeless person shaking their collection cup and listening to their $300 iPod.
I enjoyed the man the blew me a kiss as he passed me on the freeway.
I enjoyed the smell of clean hay and dirty horses first thing in the morning.
I enjoyed being alive today... completely.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be alive and happy.
I had forgotten what it was like to live.
I remember now... I just hope I can hold onto it.

Thursday, March 08, 2007
The best policy... Current mood: angry
Honesty... what an interesting word... and how often misunderstood. Webster's dictionary defines it as "1obsolete : chastity2 a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b: adherence to the facts : sincerity".
I think it is time for me to be honest, especially when my ex husband is not.
I ended our marriage because he was an abusive, narcissistic sociopath... not to mention that I did not love him. I was going to stay quiet about this, but his whole existence is a lie... and no one will call him out on it.
His page advertises (yes he is already looking for his next victim) the fact that he is looking for a "real" person when he himself is as fake as anyone I have ever met. This is the man who claimed to want to get help for his anger issues and then turned around and hit me, restrained me, pushed me, and called me names. I just wish I could hack his acct and warn all the other girls of his abusive nature. No one should have to go through what I went though.
You know how many times I tried to leave? Many... he would jump into the back of my truck to keep me from being able to get away, block any escape route and threaten me. Most of the time I stayed simply because I was afraid of what he would do to the animals if I left, other times I was just too depressed to do anything about it.
If you are in an abusive relationship, get out as soon as you can. Listen when your friends and loved ones tell you to leave. Mostly... above all else... be strong and get mad... and do not underestimate the power of a restraining order.
~K
Currently listening:DetailsBy Frou FrouRelease date: 13 August, 2002

Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Distractions... Current mood: bored
Nothing very interesting going on in my life at the moment... simply playing the waiting game until the divorce is final and I regain my identity of Kristen (insert very Italian last name here).
I will never surrender my last name again... I did not want to do it the first time and I refuse to consider loosing it again. So strange how much of yourself is wrapped up in a name...
I'm currently studying for my series 6 license... stocks, bonds, mutual funds and the like. I actually enjoy it... who would have thought that I, the dyslexic would enjoy playing the numbers game... although I think that the money involved does influence my enthusiasm for the new position =)
Hope all is well with everyone.
Luv n Hugs!
Kristen

Monday, March 05, 2007
Missing Bella Dolce'
It has taken me a week to be able to write it...
RIP Dolce'. I'll miss you.

Bad Dog... Good Friend.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007
De File of Di Vorce Current mood: contemplative
Ok, so I officially file for divorce on Friday, Feb 23rd and I will be officially single on the 24th of April. Want to know why? Ask me I will tell... but one thing I can say is that it's been long overdue... I've discovered that life gives us many opportunities, but few great loves. I've only had one and I shamelessly threw it away because of guilt... and religious convictions. You know what I say to that now? I say "what the fuck was I thinking???!!!" It's funny because the things I miss the most are not sexual things (although those were nice). I mainly miss laughing... and sitting and talking about nothing or saying nothing. Comfortable silence is trust... complete and total trust. Ever committed someone's scars to memory? I have. Ever memorized someone's skin texture and taste because you're so amazed to be with them and wonder if you deserve them? I have also done that and I still remember... every last detail. I would not erase those memories if I could. I just hope that there is an inkling of opportunity left for me to make more of those memories. I hope I have a chance at happiness again... or at least friendship because I would rather have that friendship than nothing... even though I'm the one who caused the nothingness to happen in the first place.~Kristen

Saturday, February 10, 2007
Encore please.
The release I feel is amazing... certainly better than anything I have felt in the last year. It is surprising, refreshing, and past due. I feel I must apologize to all my friends who I have hidden from for the duration of this soon to be over marriage. I am unhappy with many of the decisions I made, but none more than the decision to hide from those I loved... including myself. I was raised in an extremely conservative religious family. I was afraid of divorce and more than a little afraid of being alone but now I can see that I am ok and am going to remain ok. Even if I can’t be with Mr. Right then at least I will not be wasting my time, energy, and resources on Mr. Wrong. I can learn to be alone and be ok with that. I will be selling the farm and downsizing my entire life in order to be able to experience more of it. I am me again. I am free.<3Kristen

Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Reality
Ok, so I guess if I post it then it will make it feel real...
Some marriages are not meant to be saved... I just wish I had figured this out sooner... when it mattered more.
Anyone know a good lawyer that will work for cheap?

2006 Blogg

Sunday, December 24, 2006
most recent writings Current mood: anxious
Cant Think
I feel the need to write, to expel something... To express something... To suppress something. My mind is a constant battle ground. Feel, think, forget. Yet somehow the hurts that should have dissolved by now are syndicated. I regret. I've never regretted before. Even the biggest disasters of my life have included lessons. I have yet to glean when I can learn from this... so I punish myself. I make myself content to live with the insults and the confinement. I plaster the fake plastic smile on my face and nod. Yes this is what I deserve. Consequences for mine own actions. Appropriate punishment for my treachery. I betrayed you. I betrayed myself. Crayon portraits will not fix this. Only time... yes time. tedious. torturous. time. Time to expel something... To express something... To suppress something... To forget something.

Inferno
I wonder what the neighbors think your screaming carries I decide that I prefer the view from the outside face buried in sweet smelling fur astride my four legged hero I watch your fire consume you it is more preferable than being caught up in your flames
skip
You say your heart likes anger it is your drug your rush your sentence the skipping will kill you one day at least I can have peace knowing you died happy
Butchery
You are an artful butcher You can flay with the best there is no need to practice on me I bleed easily besides you already know the best way to cut me into pieces Keep practicing I will scar become tough and I will no longer be a desirable piece of meat

Baggage
You say I have baggage. Everybody has baggage. Mine may be exceptionally heavy. But at least they have wheels.



Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Disappearance... Current mood: sick
So yes.. I've have been absent from anything resembling normal life for about the past three months... the primary reason for this is our purchase of a small farm in Thorntown that we've been busy making our own but the past week has been an emergency hospital stay for me.
Let me say now that I'm ok, but I had to have my appendix out and they waited too long and it leaked and then I lost three units of blood during the surgery which caused them to panic and overload me with fluids which caused my lungs to partially collapse... and then I developed an infection.
I've been living off of antibiotics and morphine for the past week and they only reluctantly released me late last night. Hospitals sucks but Vicodin and Percocet rock and I have three incisions on my belly that will make wonderful conversation pieces.
I am recovering at my parents house in B-town and will have internet access through Christmas so feel free to drop me a line and expect me to actually respond =)
I hope everyone is doing well and is have a safe and happy Holiday Season!
Merry Christmas! Luv n Hugs Kristen
P.S. If this is full of spelling errors and fails be comprehendible... it because of the drugs... sorry...


Friday, October 27, 2006

Baggage

You say I have baggage.
Everybody has baggage.
Mine may be exceptionally heavy.
But at least it has wheels.

posted by Lasianna at 7:57 AM 1 comments

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Butchery

You are a skillful butcher
You can flay with the best
there is no need to practice on me
I bleed easily
besides
you already know the best way to cut me into pieces
Keep practicing
I will scar
become tough
and I will no longer be a desirable piece of meat

posted by Lasianna

skip

You say your heart likes anger
it is your drug
your rush
your sentence
the skipping will kill you one day
at least I can have peace
knowing you died happy


posted by Lasianna
Inferno

I wonder what the neighbors think
your screaming carries
I decide that I prefer the view from the outside
face buried in sweet smelling fur
astride my four legged hero
I watch your fire consume you
it is more preferable than being caught up in your flames

posted by Lasianna
Peace

I step out into a void,
arms spread
face to the sky
cold cool air caresses my face
gently blowing my curls.
They catch on my eyelashes.
Is this worth it?
The peace,
this moment?
Yes, I agree with myself.
By any means.

posted by Lasianna

Friday, October 06, 2006
On being a hermit... Current mood: crazy
Alright... I realize that it's been a while... a long white since I've graced the MySpace pages.
No, I'm not out to prove that one's heart continues to beat when deprived of MySpace, just simply have lacked internet, time, and any sort of motivation to do anything other than dig post holes.
I've been cleaning, moving, buying, selling, digging (and digging and digging). I've also been planning and hiding and trying to maintain some shred of sanity.
I've bought a farm (no the THE farm) but a four acre mini farm with a beautiful house and huge barn. I get to have my horses at home at last, but first we must finish fencing and kick the old tenants out, which is proving to be more difficult than expected.
So yes... I have a pulse and will expect to emerge from my protective cocoon of insanity as soon as we're settled.
In the meantime if you want to see me plan on coming out and digging post holes... or just look for the Headless Horseman(woman) at Conner Prairie... that will be me =) I'll wave my pumpkin at you. (not intended in any sexual way... but still sounds interesting...)
Love you all and miss you!
::HuGs::
Kristen

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Cant Think

I feel the need to write, to expel something... To express something... To suppress something. My mind is a constant battle ground. Feel, think, forget. Yet somehow the hurts that should have dissolved by now are syndicated. I regret. I've never regretted before. Even the biggest disasters of my life have included lessons. I have yet to glean when I can learn from this... so I punish myself. I make myself content to live with the insults and the confinement. I plaster the fake plastic smile on my face and nod. Yes this is what I deserve. Consequences for mine own actions. Appropriate punishment for my treachery. I betrayed you. I betrayed myself. Crayon portraits will not fix this. Only time... yes time. tedious. torturous. time. Time to expel something... To express something... To suppress something... To forget something.


Friday, June 16, 2006
Trail Ride
I'm catching up on pic posting, can you tell? These are from a trail ride I went on in March with My friend Callie and my "Red Headed Step Child", Setti as well as my Black Percheron, Ram.

Friday, June 16, 2006
It's a girl!
Here's the newest addition to the fam... and yes, she's a Budweiser Clydesdale. This is 4 year old Elijah's Duchess Eilean Donan (aka Petra).

Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Mutt Strut Current mood: crazy

Mutt Strut 2006 at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.. 2.5 miles of track and two very over stimulated dogs makes for one heck of a wet Sunday =)
Woo hoo!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
no title needed Current mood: indescribable
I ceased to care last night I was void of emotion it was wonderful I welcomed it, I nurtured it, and it consumed me a familiar shade of gold returned fully armored against your verbal assault I felt nothing I am impenetrable once again walls reinforced Drunk with power Amazing

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Miles Were Better Current mood: contemplative
Sometimes a King sized bed is too large. Sometimes 7,000 miles is not enough. Two different people dwell in the same body assumed owned by one. I can’t stand your words... your ignorance and your refusal to change your position in life. Melancholy is your hobby. I am your ever humble servant... unflawed by own opinion and in love with my former self. Respect... a cornerstone of everything that is lacking in life, in work, in self, mostly in you. I’m in love with the former you. And you are in love with possession. Bonded to the wrong person.. such a burden of mine own mistakes. A night to remember, spent fighting the unfightable tears. A ring of warm gold shines coldly upon my finger. The one I truly love far too damaged to return of even ask for forgiveness. Who am I but a shadow, a flicker of memory, a cheap imitation of who I was supposed to be.11 holes and three works defiance made me who I am. A girl in a cheap suit covers up the semblance of me.

Friday, March 03, 2006

3-3-06

I ceased to care last night
I was void of emotion
it was wonderful
I welcomed it,
I nurtured it,
and it consumed me
a familiar shade of gold returned
fully armored against your verbal assault
I felt nothing
I am impenetrable once again
walls reinforced
Drunk with power
Amazing


Monday, February 06, 2006
Waking Dreams Current mood: restless
Do you ever have waking dreams dreams that deny you every day poetry that bother and gnaw and take away all rational thought knew why I left you once... but now I don’t know why I stay I miss the colors I mourn for the childhood discovery that I held onto for so long Until I met you. I want the child back, the youthful joy and the simple pleasure of a flower plucked from my own yard. I want to play, and dance, and dream. I want to lay down in the middle of a field and be at home. I need to wriggle my toes on a beach in California and forgive you. I want complete wings. I regret forgetting to live the way I did with you.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Looking back

Do you ever have waking dreams
dreams that deny you every day poetry
they bother and gnaw and take away all rational thought
I knew why I left you once... but now...
I don't know why I stay
neither living in color nor dying in black,
but simply existing in a shade of grey
I miss the colors
I mourn for the childhood discovery that I held onto for so long
Until I met you.
I want the child back, the youthful joy
and the simple pleasure of a flower plucked from my own yard.
I want to play, and dance, and dream.
I want to lay down in the middle of a field and be at home.
I need to wriggle my toes on a beach in California and forgive you.
I want complete wings.
I regret forgetting to live the way I did with you.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Miles were better
Sometimes a King sized bed is too large.
Sometimes 7,000 miles is not enough.
Two different people dwell in the same body assumed owned by one.
I cannot stand your words...
your ignorance and your refusal to change your position in life.
Melancholy is thy hobby.
I am your ever humble servant...
flawless by my own opinion and in love with my former self.
Respect...
a cornerstone of everything that is lacking in life, in work, in self,
mostly in you.
I'm in love with the former you.
And you are in love with possession.
Bonded to the wrong person...
such a burden of mine own mistakes.
A night to remember, spent fighting the unforgettable tears.
A ring of warm gold shines coldly upon my finger.
The one I truly love far too damaged to return of even ask for forgiveness.
Who am I but a shadow?
a flicker of memory, a cheap imitation of who I was supposed to be.
11 holes and three works defiance made me who I am.
A girl in a cheap suit covers up the semblance of me.


Monday, January 09, 2006

Sunshine Porcupine

I know you know who you are and I doubt you'll ever read this, but there are certain things that simply must be said from time to time. I messed up and I'm sorry. I know that even in these simplest of terms whatever I say will never fix the damage inflicted. I still dream of you. I still love you. And I still call your name out in my sleep... much to the dismay of the one I married. Forgive me despite the fact that I haven't left yet. know that there is an Italian girl that misses making you cookies. a girl that still speaks in another language whenever she thinks no one can hear her. a closet everquest addict. a raver. a drug enthusiast. a woman who carries your ring around in her pocket for security... to somehow make her feel closer to you... the way things were that summer before I left for school. an owner of a bleach blond braid. a vessel of happy memories, some not so happy, but still better than none. a jealous girl... even after all this time I still feel that you are mine in my heart and I am yours. a girl who dreams of sending you pictures of me in a photo booth dressed up like Zorro. a leaver of laminated notes on your car windshield when it rains. a cartoonist of apologies (I liked my stick figure better).an owner of an enchanted bed that makes you so comfy you just want to sleep all day. a wife... who was told to go back to you by her husband. a girl... in love with you that wishes it were that easy.

2005 Bloggs

Saturday, December 24, 2005
Merry.... Happy... err... whatever. Current mood: devious
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Screw it....Here's wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
P.S. Can you tell I work at a Bank???

Thursday, September 29, 2005
naked Current mood: pensive
some of my writing...

I fall at your feet
My head on the ground
humble from defeat
no one around
begging for mercy
screaming for pain
I know I'm not worthy
I'm going insane
digging for blood
praying for screams
laying in mud
torn at the seams
scratching my soul
bleeding it dry
it's taking its toll
I'm refusing to cry


Don’t tell me of love everlasting
or others sad dreams I don’t want to hear
but tell me of two strangers who rescue each other from a lifetime of fears
Because if Love means forever,
expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another lifetime to learn

I kept
they say that love is blind, but I was only blind to you
I held your hand thinking we could make it through
and I kept hoping with that last hope you gave
and I kept thinking that there was something yet to save
but I thought that I could take control of you and set me free
but I was in love with you
and you were in love with ecstasy


can you look at me now and say I’m just where you though I’d be? I'm not dying, I'm not crying.... I'm ok with the thought of no "us"... just me. -k

Currently listening: Nico By Blind Melon Release date: 12 November, 1996

Monday, August 15, 2005
Shake n Bake Current mood: scared
Ok ya... I guess I'm writing this because I was just scared shiftless... I was sitting in my living room folding laundry and watching season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (highly recommended) for the umpteenth time when I got really dizzy. I stood up to look at our earthquake bell which is attached to our living room light fixture. This was quickly deemed unnecessary because I could soon hear it since everything was shaking so much. We live on the 9th floor of our building and usually when we get quakes the whole building will just sway, the blinds might click a little, and you'll feel slightly dizzy, and up until today I had never felt anything higher than a 5.6 .... today was different... today things fell off the walls, drinking glasses rattled in the cabinets, the earthquake bell rang and I stood poised between the living room and the fire escape with a cat under each arm debating weather or not I should go for it. I didn’t end up going anywhere... I froze like a deer in headlights staring out the window at the trees shaking on the ground below me. I flipped through the Japanese stations which were all showing footage of the quake and eventually discovered that it was a 6.8 and centered right in the Kanto region which is right where I live... I believe there are Tsunami warnings out as well. We're far enough inland to be safe, but still... there was my adrenaline rush for the day. ::sigh::

Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Safe and Sound Current mood: dorky
Hey everyone! Ok so ya I haven’t seen a computer that was connected to the internet in almost a week now... I keep twitching. We're trying to save some mula so we had our cable disconnected was nearly 60 bucks a month! Damn that monopoly on base. So here I am in the library franticly trying to bang a few words out on the keyboard in less than an hour. We should be getting dial-up here soon so I'll be a little bit more reachable... slow but reachable. Who needs to online game anyways. I'm kind of adjusting to the time change. Doesn’t help that I keep taking naps at all random times of the day, but heck what better things do I have to do anyways.
OMG! One thing that has made me insanely happy though is that they have Passions over her now! Yay! I get to keep up on my ultra cheesy soap!
Kitties are doing well... Thorn is even heavier than he was last time. Much to his distress we have started a kitty diet for him and have made an appt for the vet so we can figure out why he is inflating faster than the Goodyear Blimp.... could be Ryan's soft spot for Thorn's sweet tooth...
We were welcomed back to Japan with a massive earthquake within an hour of our plane landing... turbulence in air and turbulence on land... I can’t win.
Sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye to many of you. Things were quite hectic the last week I was home and I thought it best if I concentrated on not scaring those around me with my obsessive compulsive packing habits.
Lastly... I'll be home Sept 23rd with hopefully three kitties in tow... that will be one to remember.
I look forward to seeing all of you when I get back! I'll be moving in to a townhouse on the west side Oct 1st so we'll have to cook out or something.
*Love n Hugs*
Kristen
P.S. Ben and Jesse have a wonderful adventure!!!

Friday, June 10, 2005
I bet you think this blog is about you... Current mood: stressed
Okie... I feel I need to clarify a few things about my last blog. I was flooded with e-mails today from a variety of people who think that they're the reason for my stress... and let me just say that while it may be a combination of many people, it really just boils down to me. Yes, this is my moment to say it's not about you... or you or you or you.... it is about ME. I think I need to take a few more moments like that. I'm so busy filling other people's needs that I plumb forgot that sometimes it's healthy to be selfish... so here's my declaration...
I may be depressed... but I own it... it's my depression... no one else's... If I don’t feel like talking to anyone then I'm not going to. I'll talk about things when I feel like talking about them. If I feel like staying in my jammies all day then I'll do that too. And if I want to sit alone in the dark and drink a glass of wine while trying to sort out my feelings online then don’t worry about me... I'm trying to deal with things. How do I know what I think until I see what I say?
Thank you for all of you who were concerned. I know that you love me and you'll have your Kristen back soon. I just need a while to recharge... maybe another glass of wine will help.
Love you all,
Kristen

Currently listening:No 4By Stone Temple PilotsRelease date: 26 October, 1999

Thursday, June 09, 2005
The art of taking a moment Current mood: discontent
::lifts wine glass to her lips::
ahh... sweet floral bliss. Nothing sooths me or puts my life better into perspective than drinking alone... and that is not meant in any other way than it is stated.
I'm becoming numb. And it's not from what I am drinking. Simply too many things to deal with and too many emotions to suppress.
A constant barrage of thoughts and outside comments:
Smile Kristen... Shouldn’t you be happy Kristen? Shouldn’t you be upset? Why are you not angry? Do you love me? Do you care? Do you miss me? Come help me, now go away I didn’t mean for you to help me this much. Cry, don’t cry. Be strong because I'm not. Be weak because I tell you to be... be weak because that is all I see you as capable of being. Have fun, but not too much. Be jealous. Be alone. Step up. Step down.
Dance for the people...
Right stage... Left stage... Take a moment... and bow.

Sunday, May 08, 2005
Books Current mood: thoughtful
Ok so I need book ideas people.. I need good stuff to read... I've been reading like crazy lately so send me your choices! Here are a few good ones I've read lately. Mark of the Lion trilogy (best books I have read... EvEr) Eragon- written by a 15 year old boy but still very good Liquor- Poppy Z Brite in the food scene minus the kinky sex Prime- sequel to Liquor Hope Rising- story of an equine rescue Portrait of Dorian Grey- old and good and sadistic Oliver Twist- Please sir... no more... The works of Edgar Allen Poe- highly recommended... after you're done PMSing Mauz I and II - graphic novel about the holocaust... awesome symbolism Please Please give me some ideas! I love Fantasy and historical fiction but anything good will do =) Love you all! K

Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Komichiwa! Current mood: bouncy
Yeah! Back in Japan for a couple weeks. Actually my time is almost up but at least I've been keeping myself busy (no I haven’t been chasing Tanuki's again). I've mostly been cooking and playing with my kitties but I did brave the transit system and visit Kamakura. It's kind of the Japanese version of a tourist town filled with street vendors and Americanized food places but it was still really fun. I got to go into two monasteries and watch a chanting ceremony and then I visited the Great Buddha which is a lot bigger close up. It was really easy to see why people can get so caught up in Buddhism... it' s such a peaceful religion full of ceremony, tradition, and very impressive structures... not all that unlike Catholicism. It gave one pause to think. Anyways, it's been a great visit but I look forward to coming home for a few days before heading out to Boston for my Nana's 80th b-day. Hope everyone is doing well! Love you! Kristen

Currently listening:Korn - Greatest Hits, Vol. 1By KornRelease date: 05 October, 2004

Saturday, March 05, 2005
I quit. Current mood: drained
I Hereby Resign... To Whom It May Concern: I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old again. I want to go to a fast food place, and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think that small candies are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big Oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk. I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill 'cause it's prettier and weighs more. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all I knew were colors, addition tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. I want to believe that the world is fair. I want to believe that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to naively think that everyone else is happy because I'm happy. I want to again be able to walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes, and the prettiest seashell I can find. I would again like to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I wouldn't worry about time, bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car. I would wonder what I would do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple.....yeah.....simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, peace, justice, love, the imagination, mankind, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my parents are the strongest and smartest people in the world. I want to be 6 again. So...here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I quit.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Low Millions and BFS Current mood: full
Woo hoo! Went to go see Low Millions and Bowling for Soup last night... one of those last min free ticket kind of things. I was actually impressed... and more so by Low Millions than by BFS. It's always so wonderful to be around a band that is just starting to get some attention... they still appreciate it and haven’t gotten too good to talk to their fans. They all hung around in the crowd before and after their set and signed autographs... even seeking out the people that danced all during their set in order to thank them and give them a free autographed CD... not any one in particular here ... ::Coff:: me::Coff:: Such sweeties. Anyways not much else going on around here... still really frickin cold and wet. I am ready for warmer weather.... really ready. Love you all, ::MuAh:: Kristen


Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Japan Again...
ok all so I'm heading back to Japan for a week. So if I don’t respond I'm not being rude.. just foregin =) Love you all! First quote in a long ass time: "Pitty Titties!!!" - Author's name withheld for their protection =)

2004 bloggs

Monday, December 06, 2004
Baby got back
Ok so I have once again merged onto the information superhighway. Go me. So how is everyone? Things here have been entertaining to say the least. For those of you who don’t know I'm back in the states. Yes just in time for all the election drama and Christmas... So here is the latest summery of.. well.. me. I am living on the North Side of Indy and working for an awesome Equine Vet. I have re-entered the realm of student-hood once again and am completing a degree in Equine Science. I have also rescued another horse from the slaughter auction in Shipshewana. He's turning out to be priceless and has become a quick celebrity in the barn. I'll be posting pictures here soon. My apt flooded... which was crappy.. quite literally since it was the sewer that backed up. It's all been fixed and cleaned now but at the time it really sucked. I miss my kitties which are still in Japan but at least this gives Thorn a chance to finish his Sumo training. Yansa I'm sure is thinking of trying the whole K-1 thingy. Anyways I hope you're all doing great have a safe and happy Holiday season. K

Sunday, July 11, 2004
Mr. Bushi
So yay. This concludes my awesome weekend... and damnit I must say that I was due for one of those. Went up to Indy for a friend's Bday party. Got hammered quite unintentionally and played drunken spoons. This for those of you who don’t know can be a complicated game when sober but when you get six drunken people together and play it, it can be downright dangerous. Quote of the evening was this: Scene: Me standing (or something close to it) outside waiting for a friend to show up at about 1am. I find myself leaning up against a pimped out Eclipse trying to read the decal on the back. Me: Why the hell would someone put a decal on their car that says "Mr. Bushi?? V: Hon... Would you be referring to the decal that says Mitsubishi? Me: Oh... So yes there was my dumb moment for the month... or week or day... whatever... I damn near felt like a blonde...

Monday, June 28, 2004
ickity
so yeah... still in Indiana. Didn’t go back to Japan yet, enjoying an extended vacation back home with the rents. Haven’t done a whole lot really, just mostly hung around and recover from kidney infections... not fun... and talk to shrinks... also not fun. I'm finding that my tolerance level for stress has completely disappeared... this may be for a few reasons... a.) I'm on the South Beach Diet and have lost 6 lbs but am going through mad carb withdrawal. B.) I'm PMSing C.) I've been dealing with stress for the past nine months and my brain decided to run off to Mexico with one of my kidneys. D.) all of the above =) And for those of you who chose D I'd give you a cookie but I can’t have those around me on this diet so you'll have to settle for a sugar free jello snack. I can’t believe how seriously I'm taking this diet thing (ok ya so it's been one week) but I've never really had to worry about my weight too much before, then again I've never been this inactive before either. I lost 4 lbs just coming home and then 6 this past week on the diet making me about halfway to my goal of shedding 20 lbs. I'd love to be about 120 but I'm shooting for a realistic 125. =P I figure I'm 5'6.5 and I have big boobs so that should make me pretty seksey or at least make me feel a bit more sexy... now for the washboard tummy and a fake and bake and I'm happy =) Anyways hope everyone is doing well. Wish me luck because I'm going to see a specialist Wed for my kidneys. Love you all. K A moment of clarity by V: "Rolling kids should not play Scrabble".

Monday, May 24, 2004
Home James!
Yes believe it or not I am home! No Typhoon can keep me away from the good ole' USofA. Hehehe. Ya Things have been fun and interesting, went out with Jesse this weekend. Friday was the night of "victory laps" defined as laps you take around a bar to see if there is anyone you know before promptly leaving. Sat I was presently surprised by the presence of none other than my Fav. Belgian and my fav New Mexico native. It's so wonderful to have friends and get to see them all at the same time. Didn’t sleep at all on Sat night. Watched the sun come up and had a debate about our education system early in the morning. It's so nice to have conversations with big words... even if you have been up all night drinking. Still haven’t seen a horse yet (well at least not one that I know) but I'm working on that. Cicada's suck. They're everywhere and have big scary eyes but make great projectiles... don’t ask. Fav Quotes of the last few days: Me: "Butt pieces?" Jesse: "Butt pieces." "Gay men? I own them." -Belgian Boy "Ya sometimes things come in predictable packages... and sometimes they come dressed up like slutty butterflies." - T.P.

Sunday, April 25, 2004
survey thingy
I have Jesse to thank for this... swear she has some doing in every survey I get... First concert? Lenny Kravitz! Let love Rule Baby! Best show of your damn life? Destination or Penetration... that's pretty close there... Happy hardcore and DnB vs. a triple tag team featuring DB Dara and Dieselboy... ok ya so Destination it is... Any party where I dance for 8 hrs straight and then get lost in a bathroom for 15mins is a good one... What's the most you've ever paid for a show? $55 I think... for Live on The Decks in Chi-town.. It really wasn’t worth it. Do you know the names of all the bartenders in town? No, but I do know the name of the local Mamasan of the Thai place down the street and I work with a guy named Yoshi... I kid u not... Been kicked out of a club? Nope. Puked in public? Well there was this one time in Tijuana... Moshed? Only as a form of self defense. Peed on someone? See above... Crowd surfed?: Almost once at a concert at Pic-a-chick Farms... three guys tried to pick me up against my will and I was saved by my fav ex-con... moshing ensued... Worn a shirt of a band that you went to go see? Lenny from the 5 tour. Tipped a stripper? I've tipped drag queens... do they count? Really spied on someone? Well I had to once for a Soc. class.. Had to watch people when they didn’t think anyone was watching... saw many a nose picked and wedgies pulled. Eaten anything on a dare? I live in Japan... everything here is weird... but I was dared to try this stuff at a sushi place... was nasty... turned out to be sea urchin ovaries... I've been dared to eat the chicken Uteri at the Thai place but don’t think I'll go for that one... Seen a dead person (not a funeral)? On TV all the time and once in real life at a party... but they brought him back so to quote the Princess Bride: he was only "mostly dead". Had sex with a roommate? Nope. Hidden an object from someone? Yes... my significant other's porn... just to see how long it took him to notice that it was missing... Lied about your age? Never really had to... Dyed your hair an unnatural color? Well I have some awesome highlights (referred to as my "drag queen" hair) at the moment and a few years ago I was always a shade of purple. Scared shitless on 9-11? Not scared... just stunned... speechless... Thanked someone for something they didn't do?: All the time... just to point out that they didn’t do it =p Been mugged or jumped?: Once when I was driving horse drawn carriages in downtown Indy... took my wallet but I didn’t have any money so they were sol... Wooed someone with a mixed tape? Just myself... and V... I used to make him CD's all the time... but not of the wooing sort... more of the shake your ass sort. Walked in on your parents? Thank god no. Been shot at? With a BB gun yes... many a time... we were very bored children in rural Indiana... Graffiti'd anything? Bathroom at IUPUI and one at a party... Stolen alcohol? Nope. Fallen down a staircase? Yes... but I have fallen up them more often. Saved someone's life? Nope... but many animals lives =) I have very good turtle karma and I rescued several horses from slaughter. Do you have a star tattoo? Nope, just some Kanji (dance, love and dream), Katakana (strength) and wings. Wear a denim jacket more than three times a week? Don’t even own one. Have more than two band pins on your jacket, shoulder bag? Nope. Sepultura or Pantera? Once Upon a time I liked Pantera... East or West coast? West... thank you Jess... I can’t get back to San Diego fast enough... even though I had food poisoning most of the time I was there. Vegas or Atlantic City? Haven’t been to either yet... but I'm thinking Vegas... Why wasn’t New Orleans a choice??? Mixed tapes or CDR?: CDR but there is something about having a mixed tape that feels so good... maybe it's the memories... or the ability to destroy them by pulling out all the tape a little bit at a time... Texas chainsaw or night of the living dead? Night of the Living Dead... zombie movies rock... but nothing can beat Evil Dead on the zombie scale... STP or Nirvana?: Well in middle school it was Nirvana... then he died and there wasn’t anything new... so I guess I have to pick STP... any band that put plushies in their videos rocks. DJ or jukebox? DJ =)

Saturday, April 24, 2004
Japanese Strip Clubs
Ok ya.. So here is cultural difference number 1,000,998... Stripping in Japan is a respectable position! I couldn’t believe it! You must be absolutely silent during the performances out of respect for the dancers and their art... and it is art. The dancers never set a foot off stage, but get completely naked... it's kind of cool... well maybe the guys back home who are used to being groped and shimmed upon may not enjoy it, but heck.. It’s about time these girls got some credit. Now there are other strip clubs here... complete with finger condoms... (I'm not explaining that... put it together on your own ok?)... Which would u prefer? Questions Comments? -K

Sunday, April 18, 2004
Quote of yesterday
So ya they have these cool toy motorcycles that run off of juice over here... no kidding, juice, soda, beer u name it it's pretty cool... so here is my quote from yesterday... "My soda can beat your juice any day!" - Devo

Friday, April 16, 2004
coming home!
Yeah baby! That’s right I'm coming home! Well in a month at least. May 20th-June 15th. : Hops around in excitement: I can’t wait. Thing here haven’t been too bad as of late. I've finally gotten a job, working for Sony as a sales rep. I get sent home with all kinds of equipment and am told to test them out and learn how to use them... I've been having a blast. The cats are blind because I've been house bound due to bad weather and they're the most interesting subjects in the apt. Yansa is recovering from surgery =( I had her spayed, three females in the house pmsing was just too much for me to handle. I feel really bad about it now, even though the doctors said her uterus was not looking very good, but she's been sleeping for the past few days and won’t eat or drink much... and for those of you who know Yansa, she really can’t afford to lose much weight, she was only 5.6 lbs to begin with. I called the vet and they said it was normal for the smaller animals to take the anesthesia pretty hard... which would explain the reason why Thorn (who went in the same day to have his teeth cleaned) came home as good as normal... damn fat kitty... hehe he even wreaked havok on the vet's office, getting out of his cage twice and running around the place until they got smart enough to put a padlock on the cage door... he's taking this ninja thing way too far =p n-e-ways, I gotta get ready for work. Love you all, Kristen P.S. Japan was beautiful for about a week... the cherry blossoms were quite an experience... all the petals falling down, I just sat and watched them... got a straight outta American Beauty feeling... and then I woke up one morning and they were all gone and the Base is back to being sterile::sigh:: how I long for the Indiana trees... I'm gonna hug one as soon as I get a chance...

Saturday, April 03, 2004
earthquake
Damn... Huge earthquake today... 5.6 and it was two hours away from me... the whole frickin building swayed and shook... and it lasted for a good min, longest and biggest one I've felt since being here. Should have listened to Thorn he was trying to tell me something was up... third time he's done that before a quake. Nothing much else going on, I got a job as a sales rep for Sony working in Zama, yay! Don’t have to speak Japanese and don’t get paid in US dollars... as long as the exchange rate stays good I'm happy. Love you all... k


Sunday, March 21, 2004
raccoon dog
I saw the strangest thing last night I was coming back from the movies (Starskey and Hutch was very good =) and literally almost ran into this raccoon looking thing. It looks like a raccoon but not quite so of course being me I had to find out what it was. It believe it or not is actually called a raccoon dog or a Tanuki which while looking like a raccoon are actually more closely related to dogs and are in the canis family... weird but I want one =) They're fat and cute... kind of like Thorn... hehe... Kristen's mission: to catch a coonpuppy. the pic is in my photos go look =) ... I'm out searching (actually I'm just playing EQ but whatever) Love ya, K

Saturday, March 20, 2004
happy bunny
Alright, so I'm addicted to the quiz site, but there are few things to keep me entertained so the quiz thingy will keep me entertained for now at least. V... this one is for you =) Which happy Bunny are you??? (in case you're like me and have always wondered) you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You adorable, but a little out there. It's alright, you might not have it all, but there are worse which happy bunny are you?brought to you by Quizilla Happy bunny day =)

Friday, March 19, 2004
my death
Youre gonna be attacked by a ridiculously small animal and bleed to death Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)brought to you by Quizilla how fucking ironic is that??? hehe I must say that it did bring a smile to my face though... but it is disturbing that Thorn stared at the computer screen the entire time... maybe I should feed him extra today =P I made awesome crepes this morning =D everything was from scratch even the syrup... which was blackberry. Yummy but now my tongue is purple, oh well it was worth it. That's all I have to say about that (watched Forrest Gump the other day) Ciao K

Friday, March 19, 2004
yeah ok whatever.
Alright so I keep hearing that my journals are depressing... so I'll try to make an improvement. ::in a happy voice:: I HaTe It HeRe =-) I WaNt To Go HoMe =P =D that better??? alright never mind... shouldn’t have tried it. I cleaned the house today... whoo hoo. I was supposed to go out for Thai but peeps bailed on me so I'm stuck here listening to the sounds of March Madness coming from the living room. I really need to find some self worth here, either that or start playing Evercrack again... I've checked out just about all the interesting books in the library... they don’t have much because they get in trouble if material contains sex or drugs or anti American themes... which leaves us with Dr. Seuss but there is a debate on whether the Cat in the Hat was under the influence so it may not be around much longer. I've read the classics... all the things everyone else was supposed to read but never got around to it. Here is my book list: Count of Monte Cristo Dracula Lord of the Flies Grapes of Wrath Catcher in the Rye The Odyssey The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty Anything Poppy Z Brite Fem Fatale Philosophy of Cats Guinevere Trilogy (that one hit close to home) All the Readers Digests I can get my hands on From my Hand to Yours Memoirs of a Geisha (thank you Jess) and many more that I can’t think of Need more book recommendations!!! I like the kind of book that you can escape into, Fantasy especially but anyways I'll read just about anything these days. I Love you all and I miss u -k P.S. Quiz for the Day You are SALUTE YOUR SHORTS. You are a wangsta who knows business. You have fun in the sun and know how to have a good laugh. Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?brought to you by Quizilla I Frickin Loved this show! Well... next to Hey Dude!

Saturday, March 13, 2004
if I were a drink...
Congratulations! You're a black velvet! What Drink Are You?brought to you by Quizilla I admit it I get bored a lot...

Thursday, March 11, 2004
Normal?
Okay, so I'm living in another country... I've been here for over five months... I should really be enjoying the time I have here right? I mean this is an opportunity of a lifetime. How many people get to live outside of their own home state let alone their home country? But still despite the amount that I remind myself this I want to go home. I want to go back to that little peach bedroom with the hardwood floors, with the gay neighbors and the crack house on the corner. I miss that funky guy who used to have these huge pieces of scrap metal in his front yard, he'd sit there on his porch drinking a beer and call it art... and if you looked at it long enough you realized that it was. I miss coming home to the prospect of vegetarian food. I miss delaying a shower because I must admit that I like the smell of horse. I miss feeling like I have purpose. I miss having a support network both the two legged and the four legged kind. I miss feeling at home... I'm realizing that I miss too many things. -k

Friday, March 05, 2004
Weird laws
In Minnesota, it's illegal to sleep naked. In Illinois, it is illegal to speak the English language. -which is ok since not many people speak English there anyways. In Cheyenne Wyoming, it's illegal to take a picture of a rabbit in the month of June. In Oregon, dishes must drip dry. In Alabama, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. -This has completely ruined any chance I had of being able to live in Alabama. In Alaska, you can't push a live moose out of a moving airplane. -They're no fun... no fun at all. In Arizona, you can't hunt camels. - Hear that? No camel hunting but what about camel chasing? Nope... that's illegal too. There is no age of consent in Japan. And in the grand state of Indiana: One may not sniff glue. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. Oral sex is illegal. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. Liquor stores may not sell milk. Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices. The value of Pi is 3.2, and not 3.1415. No one may throw an old computer across the street at their neighbor. It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Friday, March 05, 2004
Genius
Ok.. so here was my moment of genius for the day... I was making Mac and cheese (the Sponge Bob kind) when I tried to taste a piece of macaroni to see if it was done... it got stuck to my lip... I kid you not... and it burned the shit outta me. Being the intelligent human being that I am did I quickly bat it away? No. I waited just long enough for it to leave a huge blister... How attractive am I now? I look like I've had a severe herpes outbreak. Of all the places to get burned... It sucks and it looks hideous. I mean what to you put on a burned lip? I tried Neosporin and granted it had great moisturizing properties but tastes not so good. Other than that there isn’t much going on. I'm studying for a few CLEP tests so I can knock out a few credits I need before I can graduate.. they're free for military yay! $0 compared to $400 per class... I'll take the free thank you. The job hunt continues as do my frequent gym appearances. I'll actually more than likely be substitute teaching for the elementary school and the high school... scary.. I mean I remember what it was like to be a high schooler... and I remember what we did to substitute teachers. It wasn’t pretty... but for $90 a day I'll risk it. Currently listening to some Euro trance courtesy of Roobear... don’t ask... http://www.digitallyimported.com It's a very good site for all your boogie needs. The house is filthy and I can’t seem to find it in me to care... the monotony of housework is finally getting to me. Oh well, I'm running out of stuff to write about... Yoppie, K Quote of the Day: Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide Go ahead.. make your brain hurt.
12:12 AM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004
my new obsession
I LOVE the massage chair at the gym... ::shivers:: not only does it give a great total body massage, it vibrates too =) That is the epitome of just how exciting my life gets =P
1:42 AM

Monday, February 23, 2004
drama rama
So ya, yesterday was interesting... it started out normal enough and then I got to work on a Japanese car helping a friend install some cool effects. This is all fine and dandy except for the fact that he had been drinking quite a bit, and is a known alcoholic... how the hell do you tell someone that you don’t know too well that they need to quit drinking? My respect for this person (which was not that great to begin with) completely vanished... and I'll tell you why... 1.) he was hitting on me... in plain sight of his wife and one year old boy... 2.) he attempted to drive when he couldn’t even get his key in the lock on the car door (the car was unlocked by the way) 3.) he came into the appt to get something to drink and then passed out on our couch and wouldn’t go home 4.) when we finally got him to leave he pushed his wife who happened to be holding their little boy This was not some little push to the side either. I wanted to hurt him... Lion flew out the door after him and verbally kicked his ass all the way home (I could tell he wanted to hit him.. but this guy is his superior)... Poor wife and little boy, they were both crying so hard... I wanted to help and though the language barrier is a hard one to climb a hug is pretty universal. I felt so helpless, I offered my home but she went home anyways... and today he acts like nothing happened... Who could ever live life that way?! I wish she would leave him... he's already openly admitted that he doesn’t love her and is only there because of his son, he's had three affairs, and he drinks... all day... every day, and now he has physically assaulted her. I just wish I knew how to help... any ideas? Grr... I wish more Japanese women had balls to stand up to men... Oh well... that's my rant for the day... hopefully for a long ass time... Ciao

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Dlivers Skoo
Okie, so what is worse than going through a drivers class in the States? Drivers school in Japan... take note that this is an AMERICAN military facility... the class I am in is to teach AMERICANS the Japanese road signs and proper Japanese driving etiquette... Now I don’t really see a problem having a Japanese instructor... but it would be nice to have one that can communicate in verbal format and who doesn’t revert to drawing pictures (as entertaining as they are) and making wild hand gestures (what? you want to do what to a monkey?). After a few hours of the collective class trading looks of "what did she say?" she decides to pass out pamphlets that are in plain English... now an intelligent person would have done this at the beginning of the class so that we could make an attempt to follow along... but no... not her... Oh well I'm done with my rant. The highlight of my day has thus far been the 80's instructional video in driving etiquette done by several very white people in while blazers... women included.. except they had the sleeves rolled up. I'm just positive that if we could have seen their pant cuffs they would have been tight rolled. I'm on my lunch break right now, taking some time in the good ole library until I have to go back to deciphering pictures (it's a hand... no a banana... oh wait it's road kill!). At least I don’t have much longer until I get to take the actual test which is all multiple choice... oh no whatever should I do (note the sarcasm). Japanese of the Day: Tamale oot si zu! "stop or I'll shoot you!" P.S. at the request of many Yansa or Thorn will soon have their own MySpace =) I'll keep you posted.
11:34 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
March 20th
The Guys should love this... my fav. author has subjected a new holiday... thought I's share the love... "March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. That it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 20th. It’s like a perpetual love machine! The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJs. " - PZB (a fellow supporter of my belief that Valentine’s Day , even though it is my birthday, is an insult to all women and has therefore created a holiday for men that is just as stereotypical and sexist)
12:37 AM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Conversational Japanese
So yeah... I'm teaching myself Japanese... this is a very dangerous thing, even more so when you have taken a Vicodin and are PMSing. The phrases I've come up with so far are far from conversational but are quite amusing... so here ya go =) Ohesotte nani? What is the meaning of my bellybutton? Kazoku sorrote no seppuku ga yokatta. I loved the part where the whole family disemboweled themselves. Omawarisan! Chikan o tska-mate! Police! Arrest this pervert! Nanashi no nihon no michi no kado ni imasu! I am at the corner of two nameless streets! Nihonshoku o tabesukete inai yabanjin desu. I am too barbaric to eat a Japanese breakfast. Osoroshii kangae nimo osoware mas. I have many evil thoughts. Ebi no idaina saigo desu! How honorably shrimp struggle as they choke to death! Okikute ugokasenai Fujisan mitai da. He looks as grand and immobile as Mount Fuji. (To be used at Sumo contests.) Hehe that last one is straight from the phrase book =)
12:25 AM

Sunday, February 15, 2004
Which famous homosexual are you?
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/homosexual/
11:35 PM

Saturday, February 14, 2004
FYI
so ya forgot to mention this... was up with Mophed one night getting the giggles after many hours of 80's belly dancing and doing the "Nave" (don’t ask). We both had a cold and with Atkins on the mind I ask her "does Snot have carbs?" ... she posts it as a quote and believe it or not... she got an answer... so here is your useless fact for the day... "Mucus(snot) is made up of carbohydrates (70%) with about 20% protein and some lipids (fat)" there... you just learned something... doesn’t it feel good?
4:11 AM

Saturday, February 14, 2004
n weeee!
So ya, I gots me a jobbie job. I'ma gonna be doing some modeling for the local Japanese agencies, it's pays awesome and gives me an excuse to learn my way around Japan, woot! Japan is not a country known for its diversity so any time they find someone that's decent they jump at the opportunity. I'm going to Mt. Fuji tomorrow so I guess it's my first official Japan adventure, it will be good for me, not to mention beautiful. I guess I don’t have much to say... I'm a year older... and it doesn’t feel any different. quote of the day- "Think I'll turn country just for the hats." - Sunshine Porcupine
4:04 AM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
quotes of the day
"you're gonna need a priest to clean up all that filth" - overheard "To define a person you have to study their imperfections. Either that or you could just drink heavily with them." - a friend's good advice *"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." (Douglas Adams) If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. - an inspired moment by me *"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ( Phyllis Diller ) "Time's fun when you're having flies." (Kermit the Frog) Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
5:32 AM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
they journey home
So ya I made it after getting stranded in Chicago for a night because there were "mechanical problems" in Indy. The only "mechanical problems" we had were because we were missing our flight crew. So I finally get to Chicago and I've missed my flight, am stranded in Chicago with two cats, one of them screaming his head off, sending many curses on my household. United airlines gets me a hotel and since no other hotel will take kitties, I got to stay in the Hilton hehehe it was nice. They couldn’t find any kitty food for me so they had their chef make Thorn and Yansa grilled Tuna steaks... those kitties got to eat better than I did =) It was funny, they were like two little kids trashing a hotel room, running from bed to bed, Yansa climbing the curtains... Thorn knocking things off the tables and dresser. Needless to say, they ended up sleeping in the bathroom. Things went pretty smoothly on the Japan flight. Yansa slept almost the entire way there, occasionally poking her head up and surprising the flight attendants... not a single peep out of her the entire time. Thorn had to ride down below in a heated and pressurized compartment. I think it was harder on him than Yansa, but he seems to be settling in nicely, claiming the top of the fridge as "his spot". Isis and Yansa are already buddies running around in a bizarre form of kitty tag that looks like it's closely related to those "bop the gopher" games at Chucky Cheese. Thorn will most likely take longer, he hasn’t hissed at Isis but just seems bored with her... much too sophisticated to associate with the likes of her. He keeps giving me looks like "you could of at least picked out an intelligent one". So ya, I'm back and actually slept normal hours last night. It's so weird to be back here... In a way I don’t know if going home made it better or worse. But anyways I'm not going to sulk too much... I got a Pilates class to sign up for =) If anything I must keep myself busy.
4:48 AM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004
home again
So ya, I'm concluding my visit home to B-town... been pretty much uneventful if you don’t count the car accident involving drug dealers and the long nights with friends picking up catch phrases such as "baby blockers" and "katty bitch" For some reason I just feel like I've needed more time to be here before heading back to life in Japan. So many people to see and so little time to see them in. I guess I've really accomplished a lot, getting stuff, packing kitties, getting in touch with my inner drag queen (don’t ask). There's just something about this place and the people in it that keep me wanting to come home... I just need to figure out where home is... be that in Japan, Bloomington, Indy, or a sunny beach in San Diego... I guess it is true... you never can truly come home "again". Sat was fun minus the six police cars, paddy wagon, fire truck and ambulance. It was awesome to take E out with The Lady's Man and Mophed. E had fun as we celebrated her 21st b-day for the second time and kept insisting that she had a great time in-between bouts of puking. Mophed and I got free shots which were poured Can Cun style (mostly down your shirt). We're still debating on whether or not they were really alcoholic... tasted remarkably close to kool-aide. N-E-ways... I'm gonna go get drunk on Nyquil and cake... laters
8:21 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004
quote of the day
So ya, I'm talking to Mr. Lion and we're having a discussion about birth control... I'm being all discrete and he blurts out... "oh you mean baby blockers?" what tact... good thing my folks found it amusing...