Sunday, December 24, 2006
most recent writings Current mood: anxious
Cant Think
I feel the need to write, to expel something... To express something... To suppress something. My mind is a constant battle ground. Feel, think, forget. Yet somehow the hurts that should have dissolved by now are syndicated. I regret. I've never regretted before. Even the biggest disasters of my life have included lessons. I have yet to glean when I can learn from this... so I punish myself. I make myself content to live with the insults and the confinement. I plaster the fake plastic smile on my face and nod. Yes this is what I deserve. Consequences for mine own actions. Appropriate punishment for my treachery. I betrayed you. I betrayed myself. Crayon portraits will not fix this. Only time... yes time. tedious. torturous. time. Time to expel something... To express something... To suppress something... To forget something.
Inferno
I wonder what the neighbors think your screaming carries I decide that I prefer the view from the outside face buried in sweet smelling fur astride my four legged hero I watch your fire consume you it is more preferable than being caught up in your flames
skip
You say your heart likes anger it is your drug your rush your sentence the skipping will kill you one day at least I can have peace knowing you died happy
Butchery
You are an artful butcher You can flay with the best there is no need to practice on me I bleed easily besides you already know the best way to cut me into pieces Keep practicing I will scar become tough and I will no longer be a desirable piece of meat
Baggage
You say I have baggage. Everybody has baggage. Mine may be exceptionally heavy. But at least they have wheels.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Disappearance... Current mood: sick
So yes.. I've have been absent from anything resembling normal life for about the past three months... the primary reason for this is our purchase of a small farm in Thorntown that we've been busy making our own but the past week has been an emergency hospital stay for me.
Let me say now that I'm ok, but I had to have my appendix out and they waited too long and it leaked and then I lost three units of blood during the surgery which caused them to panic and overload me with fluids which caused my lungs to partially collapse... and then I developed an infection.
I've been living off of antibiotics and morphine for the past week and they only reluctantly released me late last night. Hospitals sucks but Vicodin and Percocet rock and I have three incisions on my belly that will make wonderful conversation pieces.
I am recovering at my parents house in B-town and will have internet access through Christmas so feel free to drop me a line and expect me to actually respond =)
I hope everyone is doing well and is have a safe and happy Holiday Season!
Merry Christmas! Luv n Hugs Kristen
P.S. If this is full of spelling errors and fails be comprehendible... it because of the drugs... sorry...
Friday, October 27, 2006
Baggage
You say I have baggage.
Everybody has baggage.
Mine may be exceptionally heavy.
But at least it has wheels.
posted by Lasianna at 7:57 AM 1 comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Butchery
You are a skillful butcher
You can flay with the best
there is no need to practice on me
I bleed easily
besides
you already know the best way to cut me into pieces
Keep practicing
I will scar
become tough
and I will no longer be a desirable piece of meat
posted by Lasianna
skip
You say your heart likes anger
it is your drug
your rush
your sentence
the skipping will kill you one day
at least I can have peace
knowing you died happy
posted by Lasianna
Inferno
I wonder what the neighbors think
your screaming carries
I decide that I prefer the view from the outside
face buried in sweet smelling fur
astride my four legged hero
I watch your fire consume you
it is more preferable than being caught up in your flames
posted by Lasianna
Peace
I step out into a void,
arms spread
face to the sky
cold cool air caresses my face
gently blowing my curls.
They catch on my eyelashes.
Is this worth it?
The peace,
this moment?
Yes, I agree with myself.
By any means.
posted by Lasianna
Friday, October 06, 2006
On being a hermit... Current mood: crazy
Alright... I realize that it's been a while... a long white since I've graced the MySpace pages.
No, I'm not out to prove that one's heart continues to beat when deprived of MySpace, just simply have lacked internet, time, and any sort of motivation to do anything other than dig post holes.
I've been cleaning, moving, buying, selling, digging (and digging and digging). I've also been planning and hiding and trying to maintain some shred of sanity.
I've bought a farm (no the THE farm) but a four acre mini farm with a beautiful house and huge barn. I get to have my horses at home at last, but first we must finish fencing and kick the old tenants out, which is proving to be more difficult than expected.
So yes... I have a pulse and will expect to emerge from my protective cocoon of insanity as soon as we're settled.
In the meantime if you want to see me plan on coming out and digging post holes... or just look for the Headless Horseman(woman) at Conner Prairie... that will be me =) I'll wave my pumpkin at you. (not intended in any sexual way... but still sounds interesting...)
Love you all and miss you!
::HuGs::
Kristen
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Cant Think
I feel the need to write, to expel something... To express something... To suppress something. My mind is a constant battle ground. Feel, think, forget. Yet somehow the hurts that should have dissolved by now are syndicated. I regret. I've never regretted before. Even the biggest disasters of my life have included lessons. I have yet to glean when I can learn from this... so I punish myself. I make myself content to live with the insults and the confinement. I plaster the fake plastic smile on my face and nod. Yes this is what I deserve. Consequences for mine own actions. Appropriate punishment for my treachery. I betrayed you. I betrayed myself. Crayon portraits will not fix this. Only time... yes time. tedious. torturous. time. Time to expel something... To express something... To suppress something... To forget something.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Trail Ride
I'm catching up on pic posting, can you tell? These are from a trail ride I went on in March with My friend Callie and my "Red Headed Step Child", Setti as well as my Black Percheron, Ram.
Friday, June 16, 2006
It's a girl!
Here's the newest addition to the fam... and yes, she's a Budweiser Clydesdale. This is 4 year old Elijah's Duchess Eilean Donan (aka Petra).
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Mutt Strut Current mood: crazy
Mutt Strut 2006 at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.. 2.5 miles of track and two very over stimulated dogs makes for one heck of a wet Sunday =)
Woo hoo!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
no title needed Current mood: indescribable
I ceased to care last night I was void of emotion it was wonderful I welcomed it, I nurtured it, and it consumed me a familiar shade of gold returned fully armored against your verbal assault I felt nothing I am impenetrable once again walls reinforced Drunk with power Amazing
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Miles Were Better Current mood: contemplative
Sometimes a King sized bed is too large. Sometimes 7,000 miles is not enough. Two different people dwell in the same body assumed owned by one. I can’t stand your words... your ignorance and your refusal to change your position in life. Melancholy is your hobby. I am your ever humble servant... unflawed by own opinion and in love with my former self. Respect... a cornerstone of everything that is lacking in life, in work, in self, mostly in you. I’m in love with the former you. And you are in love with possession. Bonded to the wrong person.. such a burden of mine own mistakes. A night to remember, spent fighting the unfightable tears. A ring of warm gold shines coldly upon my finger. The one I truly love far too damaged to return of even ask for forgiveness. Who am I but a shadow, a flicker of memory, a cheap imitation of who I was supposed to be.11 holes and three works defiance made me who I am. A girl in a cheap suit covers up the semblance of me.
Friday, March 03, 2006
3-3-06
I ceased to care last night
I was void of emotion
it was wonderful
I welcomed it,
I nurtured it,
and it consumed me
a familiar shade of gold returned
fully armored against your verbal assault
I felt nothing
I am impenetrable once again
walls reinforced
Drunk with power
Amazing
Monday, February 06, 2006
Waking Dreams Current mood: restless
Do you ever have waking dreams dreams that deny you every day poetry that bother and gnaw and take away all rational thought knew why I left you once... but now I don’t know why I stay I miss the colors I mourn for the childhood discovery that I held onto for so long Until I met you. I want the child back, the youthful joy and the simple pleasure of a flower plucked from my own yard. I want to play, and dance, and dream. I want to lay down in the middle of a field and be at home. I need to wriggle my toes on a beach in California and forgive you. I want complete wings. I regret forgetting to live the way I did with you.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Looking back
Do you ever have waking dreams
dreams that deny you every day poetry
they bother and gnaw and take away all rational thought
I knew why I left you once... but now...
I don't know why I stay
neither living in color nor dying in black,
but simply existing in a shade of grey
I miss the colors
I mourn for the childhood discovery that I held onto for so long
Until I met you.
I want the child back, the youthful joy
and the simple pleasure of a flower plucked from my own yard.
I want to play, and dance, and dream.
I want to lay down in the middle of a field and be at home.
I need to wriggle my toes on a beach in California and forgive you.
I want complete wings.
I regret forgetting to live the way I did with you.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Miles were better
Sometimes a King sized bed is too large.
Sometimes 7,000 miles is not enough.
Two different people dwell in the same body assumed owned by one.
I cannot stand your words...
your ignorance and your refusal to change your position in life.
Melancholy is thy hobby.
I am your ever humble servant...
flawless by my own opinion and in love with my former self.
Respect...
a cornerstone of everything that is lacking in life, in work, in self,
mostly in you.
I'm in love with the former you.
And you are in love with possession.
Bonded to the wrong person...
such a burden of mine own mistakes.
A night to remember, spent fighting the unforgettable tears.
A ring of warm gold shines coldly upon my finger.
The one I truly love far too damaged to return of even ask for forgiveness.
Who am I but a shadow?
a flicker of memory, a cheap imitation of who I was supposed to be.
11 holes and three works defiance made me who I am.
A girl in a cheap suit covers up the semblance of me.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunshine Porcupine
I know you know who you are and I doubt you'll ever read this, but there are certain things that simply must be said from time to time. I messed up and I'm sorry. I know that even in these simplest of terms whatever I say will never fix the damage inflicted. I still dream of you. I still love you. And I still call your name out in my sleep... much to the dismay of the one I married. Forgive me despite the fact that I haven't left yet. know that there is an Italian girl that misses making you cookies. a girl that still speaks in another language whenever she thinks no one can hear her. a closet everquest addict. a raver. a drug enthusiast. a woman who carries your ring around in her pocket for security... to somehow make her feel closer to you... the way things were that summer before I left for school. an owner of a bleach blond braid. a vessel of happy memories, some not so happy, but still better than none. a jealous girl... even after all this time I still feel that you are mine in my heart and I am yours. a girl who dreams of sending you pictures of me in a photo booth dressed up like Zorro. a leaver of laminated notes on your car windshield when it rains. a cartoonist of apologies (I liked my stick figure better).an owner of an enchanted bed that makes you so comfy you just want to sleep all day. a wife... who was told to go back to you by her husband. a girl... in love with you that wishes it were that easy.
