Saturday, November 17, 2007
I love my people.
I was just reminded last night of just how much I love my friends. I am such a lucky girl to have people in my life that are real, honest and supportive... you guys pick me up when I'm down, force me out of my box (hell I'm not sure I even have a box anymore), and most importantly you remind me of where I'm going... not where I have been. I love you all and thank you for being the best friends I could imagine. Kudos to all of you.<3 Kristen
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
my 6 months... Current mood: nerdy
Disclaimer:
Kristen's dating ban guaranteed to be of a duration lasting, but not limited to six calendar months beginning from the date she filed for divorce Feb 15th 2007. Term not limited to the traditional 180 days, but based upon qualifications of said applicant and whether or not she feels like it.
Subsequent dates shall be defined as dinner, movie, or other approved activity not resulting in a regretful morning or any circumstance where she will be inclined to make an ass out of herself.
Void where prohibited...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
fairytale ending.
I am a hopeless romantic... who has a bad habit of running away from her happy endings.
I once told someone that I didn’t get the fairytale ending... when he was staring me in the face.
I was flighty and scared, but I know now what I want.
And I believe it is the very thing that I may not have, the thing I walked away from before... the thing I regret.
A bad response is better than none because at least then I will know my ending and can begin to write a new chapter... a new volume if need be.
I need bluntness.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
My List. Current mood: restless
My friend Josh has challenged me to make a list of things that make me happy... so here it goes…
1.) Taking a good gallop on a horse and going so fast the tears are blown out of the corners of my eyes.
2.) Trying new foods and attempting to recreate them in my kitchen.
3.) writing poetry in my head while swinging in my front yard.
4.) dancing until I forget all else but the music.
5.) playing in the rain
6.) spending an entire day in bed reading a good book
7.) going to the Children's Museum as a 26 yr old.
8.) reading my old journals that I wrote when I was 7.
9.) the noise the air conditioner makes as it turns on
10.) my blankie
11.) riding in my car in the rain with the sunroof and all the windows open.
12.) being impulsive...
13.) XXX dirty martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives
14.) flowers, getting them, sending them, or picking them myself.
15.) painting my toenails and being the only one who knows what color they are.
16.) squishing myself into my tiny bathtub and taking a nice long soak
17.) talking in the little voice
18.) trying to listen to everything as one collective noise
19.) the moment before sleep and wakefulness
20.) being able to continue a dream where you left off the night before
21.) the rope swing at lake Monroe
22.) slip n slides
23.) the moment when you know a picture is going to be great even before you've taken it
24.) cooking for other people
25.) sitting and doing nothing at all.
26.) kittens
27.) cereal for dinner
28.) drinking Guinness because I remember when I used to hate it
29.) climbing trees... even if you need a boost
30.) knowing that I am divorced
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Drunken Words... Current mood: thoughtful
...equal sober thoughts. I was reading through some of my journals today (the old fashioned kinds that require pen and paper) and discovered that often times in fits of drunkenness I tend to shed light on the things in my life that I sweep into the shadows. I unearthed pages and pages that I didn’t even remember writing... and was stunned at the pure honestly (and bluntness) of my writing.
I often have troubles expression my emotions. I simply state fact over and over to myself hoping for an honest reaction... waiting for things to sink in... and waiting and waiting and waiting. I can’t seem to break through the walls that I myself have erected.
I am not damaged... but I am wounded... and I think that given time to find myself I will eventually become a functioning member of the dating world yet again... just not any time soon.
I can still see beauty in my world... I can even appreciate it in others, but at the same time I know that to put myself into the dating pool before I am ready would be to put myself and others at risk. I have no space in my heart to care about anyone else and it would not be fair to let anyone think that they might have a chance. The one that is in my heart is a difficult one to evict.
On a lighter note... I stood outside in the rain today... for no apparent reason other than that it sounded like a good idea.. and it was. I stood and let myself get soaked like I used to as a child, catching droplets in my palms and letting them roll down and fall from my fingertips. It was lovely.
Friday, May 04, 2007
God Hates Me.
Ok... so I'm quietly eating my sushi on my regular Thursday night food and martini night with Erica and who walks in but the current girlfriend of my One... I had nightmares about rejection all night... Bad thing is that I still love him and we're going to be in a wedding together and I get to hang out with him and his girlfriend a whole weekend in June. Oh Joy.
I hope I come home with my heart intact... although at this point it is unlikely.
I really wish I didn’t care.
Anyone know about how to cut someone out of your heart?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Today was a beautiful day... Current mood: happy
Today was a beautiful day.
The sun was shining, there were blue skies and warm breezes and today I didn’t care about anything.
I did not care that a test I am taking tomorrow will determine my future employment.
I did not care that I drove away the only man I ever really loved.
I did not care about my impending divorce (not that I've been bothered by that at all... actually I've pretty much been celebrating).
I did not care about bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry, or litter boxes.
I did not care about anything at all.
I was simply happy to enjoy the beautiful day... and everything in it.
I enjoyed the guy on the corner selling stuffed animals.
I enjoyed the homeless person shaking their collection cup and listening to their $300 iPod.
I enjoyed the man the blew me a kiss as he passed me on the freeway.
I enjoyed the smell of clean hay and dirty horses first thing in the morning.
I enjoyed being alive today... completely.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be alive and happy.
I had forgotten what it was like to live.
I remember now... I just hope I can hold onto it.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
The best policy... Current mood: angry
Honesty... what an interesting word... and how often misunderstood. Webster's dictionary defines it as "1obsolete : chastity2 a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b: adherence to the facts : sincerity".
I think it is time for me to be honest, especially when my ex husband is not.
I ended our marriage because he was an abusive, narcissistic sociopath... not to mention that I did not love him. I was going to stay quiet about this, but his whole existence is a lie... and no one will call him out on it.
His page advertises (yes he is already looking for his next victim) the fact that he is looking for a "real" person when he himself is as fake as anyone I have ever met. This is the man who claimed to want to get help for his anger issues and then turned around and hit me, restrained me, pushed me, and called me names. I just wish I could hack his acct and warn all the other girls of his abusive nature. No one should have to go through what I went though.
You know how many times I tried to leave? Many... he would jump into the back of my truck to keep me from being able to get away, block any escape route and threaten me. Most of the time I stayed simply because I was afraid of what he would do to the animals if I left, other times I was just too depressed to do anything about it.
If you are in an abusive relationship, get out as soon as you can. Listen when your friends and loved ones tell you to leave. Mostly... above all else... be strong and get mad... and do not underestimate the power of a restraining order.
~K
Currently listening:DetailsBy Frou FrouRelease date: 13 August, 2002
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Distractions... Current mood: bored
Nothing very interesting going on in my life at the moment... simply playing the waiting game until the divorce is final and I regain my identity of Kristen (insert very Italian last name here).
I will never surrender my last name again... I did not want to do it the first time and I refuse to consider loosing it again. So strange how much of yourself is wrapped up in a name...
I'm currently studying for my series 6 license... stocks, bonds, mutual funds and the like. I actually enjoy it... who would have thought that I, the dyslexic would enjoy playing the numbers game... although I think that the money involved does influence my enthusiasm for the new position =)
Hope all is well with everyone.
Luv n Hugs!
Kristen
Monday, March 05, 2007
Missing Bella Dolce'
It has taken me a week to be able to write it...
RIP Dolce'. I'll miss you.
Bad Dog... Good Friend.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
De File of Di Vorce Current mood: contemplative
Ok, so I officially file for divorce on Friday, Feb 23rd and I will be officially single on the 24th of April. Want to know why? Ask me I will tell... but one thing I can say is that it's been long overdue... I've discovered that life gives us many opportunities, but few great loves. I've only had one and I shamelessly threw it away because of guilt... and religious convictions. You know what I say to that now? I say "what the fuck was I thinking???!!!" It's funny because the things I miss the most are not sexual things (although those were nice). I mainly miss laughing... and sitting and talking about nothing or saying nothing. Comfortable silence is trust... complete and total trust. Ever committed someone's scars to memory? I have. Ever memorized someone's skin texture and taste because you're so amazed to be with them and wonder if you deserve them? I have also done that and I still remember... every last detail. I would not erase those memories if I could. I just hope that there is an inkling of opportunity left for me to make more of those memories. I hope I have a chance at happiness again... or at least friendship because I would rather have that friendship than nothing... even though I'm the one who caused the nothingness to happen in the first place.~Kristen
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Encore please.
The release I feel is amazing... certainly better than anything I have felt in the last year. It is surprising, refreshing, and past due. I feel I must apologize to all my friends who I have hidden from for the duration of this soon to be over marriage. I am unhappy with many of the decisions I made, but none more than the decision to hide from those I loved... including myself. I was raised in an extremely conservative religious family. I was afraid of divorce and more than a little afraid of being alone but now I can see that I am ok and am going to remain ok. Even if I can’t be with Mr. Right then at least I will not be wasting my time, energy, and resources on Mr. Wrong. I can learn to be alone and be ok with that. I will be selling the farm and downsizing my entire life in order to be able to experience more of it. I am me again. I am free.<3Kristen
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Reality
Ok, so I guess if I post it then it will make it feel real...
Some marriages are not meant to be saved... I just wish I had figured this out sooner... when it mattered more.
Anyone know a good lawyer that will work for cheap?
